Rogue is Not Permitted

This morning, my family attended C4 Church in Ajax. Prior to worship and up until worship in praise, I was chatting with God telling him "maybe I just need to go rogue. The only Christian friends I have don't sense the same tug. I'm so tired looking as though I am crazy in front of everyone."

... God's turn to speak.

The scripture reader read the following:

Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ—the Message—have the run of the house. Colossians 3:15‭- MSG

I feel like Elijah hiding in the cave after his grand battle against the prophets of Baal. I always wondered why God didn't speak in the wind, earthquake and fire. Instead, He chose to speak in a gentle whisper.

From this story, I am reminded that my expectations do not dictate when or how God speaks. I assume I'm not alone, but I personally would expect God to speak in a strong wind, earthquake and fire! I never would have expected His voice to be in a gentle whisper.

Despite the craziness existing around me, the loneliness of being in a cave ... All I can do is continue waiting.

"Support"

Have you ever heard of a chair that sat on a person? Or a wheelchair that wanted to be carried? Or a bed that needed to rest ontop of a person?

Me neither.

Chairs, wheelchairs and beds are all symbols of support and it's usually a "one way" interaction. Why is it that so many people say they want to support, but only on their own terms, conditions and comfort. Am I interpreting something incorrectly or am I just overthinking things? I thought it was quite self explanatory. If someone wants to support me and my wife, just support us...

Over the years, my wife has asked less and less for help. At this point in our lives, anytime she asks for help, it often means she's exhausted all other resources. It's so tiring to watch her ask for support only to be shot down. Through this, however, I've learned that there is something more tiring than asking for help - rejection. Rejection does something to you, it causes you to keep things to yourself. Let's be honest ... If I could save myself the grief of experiencing rejection at the cost of wallowing in my own stress and anxiety, why not?!

All I can do as her husband is love her the way she needs - to be a gentle physical presence that is willing to give her my undivided attention.  Supporting her in everyway that she needs will probably be at the expense of my comfort, time, and energy. But that's ok! Because my greatest support on this side of heaven ... is her.

Unclear Support

Lecrae spoke about being in the background. Somewhere in the Bible it also spoke about worshipping in the privacy of your room so that you don't get caught up in boastful worship in public. 

I never saw this in my wife before - probably cause there's no hiding in a home church setting - but she blesses me with the opportunity to dial in to worship, conversations, and meetings by supporting me (or hiding) in the background. It's unclear what exactly it is that she does ... But isn't that how "support" works? I'll never know how the foundation of my house supports our home. I really don't how my chair is supporting my growing weight. And I don't exactly know how a car, let alone a plane, can bring me from point A to point B without crashing. 

There's just a level of faith and trust on the operational support happening in the background. Things might not always seem clear (like this photo), but I love, trust and have faith that my wife is right there supporting me so that I may function the way I am called to. 

Learn from the Mess

So much is going on in this picture. 

Charlotte woke up and needed her filled diaper changed. Michelle, wanting to give me more sleep, decided to tackle this mission alone even though 6:30am was my shift. 

First diaper - success. Upon sealing our child with a new diaper, she fires and attacks Michelle with her poop. The poop launches off the change table and onto the rug and foam puzzle pieces. 

Michelle, again, not wanting to wake me, gets on her knees, and cleans the affected areas. 

It irritates me that so many people; family and friends, only see and identify her of who she "was". Their definition of her derived from a time she was in need and thus they define her as needy, spoiled, and selfish. 

It hurts me to know my wife also labeled herself that way. When I asked her, are you ok with how so many of your old friends are now no longer your friend? She responds "it's cause they all see me as a party poopers." She said this as if it was ok. 

My wife has changed so much in so little time and I don't expect the world to see or acknowledge this change. God has given me a gift - not just my wife, but the gift to see her of not who she was, but who she is becoming. And as her husband, I am called to lead her into that fullness. 

Mind fart

Refiner's fire makes pure gold. To get there may require burning away the silver.

I recognize I am no longer the same person I was a few years ago. As I mature spiritually, I recognize that I release bags and bags of garbages I once held onto like treasure. What I am reluctant in letting go of is the area of past friendships especially people I once looked up to. At the end of the day, I need to ask myself "Why do I still hang on to these people? WHY do they matter so much?"

There are days I feel it is my PRIDE I desire to feed - if these "great Christians" like me, I am validated also as a "great Christian". But there are days where I am simply torn and in ANGUISH at the existence of disunity.

I simply do not know what to do. I wish I could just move forward and "not care" as they do (as it seems). But I can't lie to myself... I do care - I just don't know what to do.

Investing where it's needed

I am slowly accepting the fact that I am an extrovert - that I draw energy from being around people. I am also beginning to see the results of exhausting myself by being around the wrong group of people. Not that these people are doing anything wrong or they themselves are 'wrong-people'. What I am recognizing is that my time, energy, and ability can be much more effective elsewhere. Imagine a football player investing their time and efforts into bowling. Bowling and bowlers aren't 'wrong', nor am I saying a football player cannot enjoy a night of bowling. I am simply saying how a football player expends his or her energy will affect themselves and their team.

It's easy to see other people making this mistake. It's more difficult to catch yourself doing it. I've been guilty plenty of times. 

Lately, this passage in John 15:1-4  has been on repeat in my mind. "I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me."

I wonder if anyone has ever kept a plant in their home that never grew. Or an apple tree that never bore apples. I doubt it. And even if they did, it probably attracted unwanted guests such as mould and/or rodents. How about keeping old clothes you no longer fit (lol maybe you're hoping to slim down a few pounds) or old assignments from primary school, highschool and College/University? Personally, I struggle 'letting go' of friends. 

Over a period of time, God may relocate you somewhere which may demand less time with people in the past and more time with those He has currently surrounded you with. 

One thing I have been noticing is my desire to always hang out with old friends ALL the time. Actually, it's not even just a desire... It's actually what I always do -_- Since the areas of ministry, living environments, and the community around me has changed, I am seeing a need to also release some of these old relationships. Again, not because they are bad. But so that I can invest my energy and be more fruitful in these new areas of my life.

Now... I'm not saying "let go of those relationships the moment you enter new areas of your life" nor am I saying "have absolutely nothing to do with them." I am trying to emphasize that evaluating where your resources - including your time and energy - is going may be necessary when experiencing new seasons of your life. Pruning certain relationships may be beneficial for the sake of yourself, for the counter party, and your respective communities. Ending relationships is hard. If you can't end them, then perhaps you need to establish boundaries. 

Refiners fire makes pure gold. To make pure gold sometimes means to burn away the silver. My time and energy is limited. How am I being a steward of the time I have with the community I am blessed with now?

Letting go

[Thoughts from May, 2014]

I really don't know how to start writing. My thoughts are accompanied with various emotions at the moment.

In preparation for our marriage, Michelle and I recognize the importance of certain relationships. It's so strange how distant some have become. We try so hard to love people... but from our wedding preparation, interesting colors surface in relationships.

This leads me to thoughts on strongholds. As we prepare for our marriage, numerous strongholds begin surfacing. I always knew I valued the opinions of people highly. I knew I cared about how others felt or thought of me... Seriously, that's RIDICULOUS.

Why do I care so much about looking Godly? Why do I care so much that others see that I have a relationship with Jesus? In Matthews, Jesus even said that they will get their reward on earth, but not in heaven (Matthew 6). It SUCKS seeing the hypocrisy of my heart.

Another stronghold is comfort. Gosh... we've heard this in so many sermons, so many blogs, so many Facebook posts, and the cliche quote "step out of your comfort zone." Now that I am faced with opportunities entering a new season in my life, I am challenged to let go what I am used to.

... let go.

Writing that feels liberating. It brings me back to the beginning of a disciple's walk with Jesus and the weight of His call to follow Him. It helps me empathize with the disciples when Jesus said "...come and see." It warns me that if I do not let go, I am incapable to receive all that He has for me.

Spiritual detachment

I love writing. But the last few months has been a moment of reflection and self-assessment. Why do I write?

I started to recognize something very unsettling. Writing was no longer personal. It became an activity I used to seek external comfort and praise. I began identifying myself based on the amounts of 'likes', 'comments' or views I received. Even now... writing this is (slightly) difficult.

It sucks looking back at my previous posts from two years ago. Don't get it twisted... God seriously revealed so much of Himself to me during that time. My concern, however, isn't how much God showed me, but what I did with it. My life was a pendulum where I swung from one pole to the other. From being a religion-hating youth that rebelled against God's desire to love me, I became a pride-filled-religious-zealot determined that I had my spiritual path "under control".

I AM a sinner, I have hurt many people, I have an imperfect history, and I probably will continue to fall short from perfection. Although I am physically removed from my shortcomings, I still feel the weight of frustration, anger, sadness, bitterness, and jealousy.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. - Ephesians 6:12

This past Sunday, I was strongly reminded that although I have physically divorced myself from the things in my past, there is a spiritual divorce that is still very much needed. And the only One to deliver me is Jesus Himself. Amen.

Traveling in faith

"And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love." - 1 Corinthians 13:13

People could have FAITH that could move mountains but if they do not love, it means nothing. ...SERIOUS? I want to move mountains! Paul challenged the community in Corinth something far more greater than faith and hope. Love (1 Corinthians 13).

It's been a while since I posted. So much has been going on in preparation for the wedding. Although it has been a busy season, both Michelle and I know that although our wedding day is "our" day... it's technically not. If we make this day "our" day... it opens us up to frustrations and disappointments when things do not go according to plan. It makes it harder to be graceful when people fail to meet our expectations. And it diminishes our joy.

Michelle and I were struck yesterday by two discouraging news BOTH related to travel visas. One of her bridesmaids had her visa issued wrong and her Life Group (LG) leader from Indonesia had his visa rejected twice. For sure... we were all filled with mixed emotions, but one of our LG sisters said something very profound: "We haven't received the visa yet. But we're gonna pack in faith." Faith requires so much risk due to the unknown. But doesn't 'love' require so much more?

Michelle and I didn't receive what we had expected/wanted. If the wedding was truly all about us, we would have subjected ourselves to frustration, disappointment, anger, sadness, and probably more. Love is the only remedy that sustains these relationships regardless of external circumstances. Faith alone may bring them to Canada and celebrate 'our' day with us. But it's the love we have for one another that keeps them in our hearts even if they aren't.

I'll be back

John 14:2-3 NIV

My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.

Yet again, this week has been a painful experience. Marriage prep is hard business! In addition to wondering who my friends are, I'm questioning how would people react on our wedding day, what our future plans will be like, and why certain insecurities still linger in me. It's so emotionally and spiritually exhausting and I know that it's during these moments that I desperately need Jesus (for all the critics, by no means do I imply that there's ever a moment whereby Jesus is not needed. I am simply saying that in times where things get tough, we need His love, grace, comfort, and guidance all the more).

Lately, I have been practicing how to focus deeper on the cross. You know that cliché "the cross is the answer!"? Well... It is! Ebu Julita's Facebook message brought upon such a powerful revelation on the bride to be, the groom that pursues, and the preparation process. During those difficult moments of marriage preparation, as I hone into the cross, I begin to feel Christ's pain AND excitement for His eventual union with His bride.

Just a little more... These scars, this crown of thorns, dehydration, asphyxiation... They will all be worth it soon...

As I write this I begin to tear. The pain I am enduring (which is NOTHING compared to what He went through) will all be worth it.

Not just that, but hearing Michelle's hurt, loneliness, uncertainties and frustrations, I hear the church's cry as she prepares for her marriage with Jesus. That's so crazy! So often, we focus on things that will not last, we say things that hold no water, and we do things that have no substance. Why? Perhaps we need to assess where our heart treasures are. To truly embrace the coming marriage, we really need to master the ability to die to ourselves daily.

The groom will come and y'all better be dressed and ready!

UDAC bible study - John 21

I hate leading bible studies. I absolutely dislike feeling utterly inadequate. I don't know how to decrease awkwardness or keep the group tuned in to the conversations. But of course that's why God selected me to initiate today's study -_- Funny enough, earlier today, I sent a leader a passage that ultimately became applicable to me within a few hours.

"And so it was with me, brothers and sisters. When I came to you, I did not come with eloquence or human wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness with great fear and trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power. " - 1 Corinthians 2:1-5

This evening's impromptu bible study was on John 21 and the bulk of our focus was on Jesus' three questions!

“Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?” 
“Simon son of John, do you truly love me?”  “Simon son of John, do you love me?”

What do these questions mean? Why this specific order? What is the significance of each question? Why three times? Simon?! Thought it was Peter?! ...Our heads were gonna explode.

It was such a powerful revelation that each question contrasted one another. But why in this order? The first two times Jesus used the Greek word agape love which meant unconditional love. The third time He uses phileo love which means "homeboy love". I could understand if Jesus was stretching Peter to move from phileo love to agape love. But why was the order of focus agape, agape, then phileo?

*wrestle mode*

Marital counseling session 1

Premarital counseling ... I always knew I wanted to go through it, but I never anticipated it to be so painfully revealing.

The weeks leading into our first session, I have been actively posting on Facebook the quotes and revelations that have been an encouragement to me. What I thought would encourage others, in one case, turned into an argument. And in another case, I began questioning my own beliefs. How could encouragements turn sour?! My intentions...

If my love and good deeds were done selfishly, any negative response would be received as an attack to the self. What started off as something pure with good intentions became something selfish, tainted and painful. The focus of my actions cannot be for me or for others, but out of reverence for Christ (Ephesians 5:21)

Lesson 1: I started the premarital session saying I did not want to give Sunday school answers where "Jesus, grace and God" were the answers to everything. That was my mistake! Although my intentions were to be honest and share the issues of my heart, my inner reality pushed what was vital to my growth aside - God, Jesus, and grace.

Lesson 2: "submission" is one of those terms the world has tainted. In this secular world, especially in developing countries, submission has been used abusively towards women. Who would want to submit to a household tyrant? But what if the master was "perfect?" Submission would not be oppressive, but liberating. Lesson 2 came as I realized my second hidden ambition: I wanted to be perfect for Michelle. I absolutely forgot my Christianity 101... I am a sinner; husbands are sinners. They are never perfect on this side of heaven. Marriage is about two SINNERS coming together. Soak that in... Husbands, you are a sinner. Wives, you are a sinner. Therefore, for a marriage to grow requires humility. How?!?! Look, observe and learn from the life of Jesus. He humbly gave up all authority and submitted Himself to the church even in unjust situations. Jesus Christ loved the church; perfect sinners, and humbly gave Himself up for her (Ephesians 5).

I have not loved or lead like Christ would. As a result, submission brought upon fear, insecurity and suffocation. I always knew premarital counseling was something I wanted to go through. But I never anticipated it to be so painfully revealing. In the long haul, I have faith that this will birth the wonders marriage brings to both husband and wife. Just like the gospel which is painful and wonderful at once.

Pre Marriage

"Love shouldn't be this hard" is like a person trying to play baseball saying "hiting a fastball shouldn't be so hard."

For all the skeptics (like myself), you can respond to this statement by saying "love is not baseball. It should come naturally if two people are compatible'".

The Christian response is, no two people are compatible.

Marriage preparation has been a painful and yet wonderful journey. It is so because it is a reflection of the gospel, which is painful and wonderful all at once (Timothy Keller). Each day I am reminded how much of a great sinner I am and yet at the very same time I am more accepted and loved in Jesus Christ than I ever hoped.

When I proposed to Michelle, I enacted Jesus' love demonstration when He washed His disciple's feet. Jesus was committed. He was intentional. I am to be like Christ. This is my call.

I will love you
I will serve you
I will die for you
I will stay committed to you
I will not forsake you
I will lead you
I will be patient with you
I will listen you
I will present you holy, blameless and pure to our God

I love my partner... And my affection for her requires committed and intentional action.

Progress report on love

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

As I reflected on how I have been doing on my "love-progression", I reread this familiar passage this afternoon. I was surprised that I completely failed... Unsatisfactory in 12 of the 14 characteristics of love. Sigh... I need Jesus, but there are days where it's so comfortable to hold onto your "self" and not let Him take a hold of you completely.

Expectations

When your expectations of your partner (or yourself) are far beyond reality or being attainable, you remain in its shadow. You become miserable and dissatisfied. As a result, it leaves both you and your partner confused and frustrated.

Setting high goals is not a horrible idea, but we need to leave room for mistakes and forgive quickly. Neither myself or my fiance will be perfect on this side of heaven. This is why the gospel is so intriguing. Regardless of man's shortcomings, God demonstrates His love by pursuing us through His son Jesus. This is the act of love I am to demonstrate - that I would lay down my life for my bride. *face palm* Learning to lay down my selfish expectations and desires is ridiculously tough (obviously) especially when you don't realize how carnal they are.

Day 1 - Evening

It's so difficult to breathe. I feel so anxious with her absence. If this is how she feels every time I leave, I promise I will never put her through that again. Upon our next meeting, I truly hope it will be the last time we need to say goodbye to one another.

Day 1 - Indonesia

There's so many layers of myself that I still cannot comprehend. The littlest incident could cause an earthquake of insecurities within me. Perhaps I'll never understand myself in this area, but I do want to recognize what triggers my insecurities.

Over the last few weeks leading up to Michelle's departure to Indonesia, I have been in a constant battle within my head. "What if? Just in case..." were only some of the questions I kept asking. I sat on my own pile of crap and dug myself a hole so no one could find me (emotionally) for days. The intentions of my withdrawal was to 1) avoid being hurt if my thoughts become a reality, and 2) avoid hurting anyone with my self-deprecation. Unfortunately, my thoughts became my partner's burden.

Once again, I am seeing how short my faith in the Lord is. I struggle in releasing my partner to the Lord and trusting that He will be our good and faithful shepherd that will never leave us nor forsake us. That He will guide us through the valleys of the shadow of death and lead us by quiet waters. That He will cause us to lie down on green pastures and His rod and staff will comfort us. That His peace will be upon as, as the Giver of peace will walk with us. That His grace is our sufficiency. That He will clothe us the way He dresses the lilies of the field. That His favour rests upon those who loves Him. That we are His beloved.

Though these promises are amazing, they're difficult to soak in. But I truly believe that the next 8 months will be refining grounds towards our love, integrity, purity, and trust. I honestly thought that I would cry my eyes out today. But as Michelle and I prayed at the gate, a flood of peace flowed through my veins. I know that He is with us, and whatever happens, He will provide us with enough strength to endure it. He doesn't promise a journey free from pain, He promises His presence throughout the experience.

Free

As I spent my alone time in prayer, I was listening and asking God what He was saying to me. I focused on the profound response Jesus said to Satan when He was in the dessert, "Man shall not live by bread alone, but from every word that comes from the mouth of God..." I was hungry, spiritually, and I wanted to feast on the words pouring out of God's mouth.

I then remembered these words from John 15: "If you abide in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples."

That's when I heard Him - "Free."

Over and over again, I heard "free." It seems like it's been so long since I last heard the Father's voice. Michelle prayed over me one time and said: "... may You make Your presence known to Gabe." I am in eager anticipation for a new encounter, to be made new, to heal, and to experience freedom.

Moving Forward

"Let us lay aside every weight and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us" - Hebrews 12:1

A friend once shared this verse with me through a painting she drew me. The texture, color, and heart expressed onto the canvas was amazing. As you can tell from the above picture, she's an amazing painter! Just now, I was reflecting upon my day and I realized how liberated I am from some of the weight of my past. The last few months has been difficult. I'm the type of dude that punishes themselves when they make a mistake. I spend hours/days/months trying to 'understand' or 'diagnose' why I did what I did. If my friends are angry at me, I'd probably self destruct...LOL

2012 has been a good, but rough year. Moving on from friends, assumptions, and mistakes is a difficult thing. It's so easy to be caught up with this baggage. But one thing the Lord has been showing me is an image of a river. Rivers flow all directions, up and down, left and right then more ups and downs and so on. Life unfolds much like the streams of a river. Our choices determine the flow of our rivers. We move on as well as we get moved on. What is truly and deeply edifying is that in Christ, all our rivers end at one same eventual destination that is the ocean of God's grace, love, and justice. 

My river is moving on and is being moved on. No matter how separated I may feel from 'friends', I look forward to one day intersecting again as the Spirit anoints. If not, we will all meet and celebrate in God. 

Love thy neighbor

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these" - Mark 12:30-31

I've been struggling a lot to love my neighbours. I've also been questioning a lot about who I am and whether or not there's something wrong with me. These questions and feelings of emptiness surfaces so often when I hear or think about certain people/experiences.  This passage has been echoing in my head for the past few days. OK... I exaggerated. This passage probably popped into my head only twice for the last two days. The words "...as yourself..." kept rippling out of the pages. When Jesus said '...as yourself,' does that mean that loving yourself precedes loving other people?

I forgot where I heard this from, but the story goes like this. There's a hammer lying on the forest ground. The hammer looks at itself and has no idea what it's purposed for. The efforts of discovering what it is made for only leads itself to utter failure and feelings of inadequacy. It begins to question its existence and how it's good for nothing. It's evident that the hammer cannot know what it is made for unless it has a creator and is used by the creator. You may argue, what if the hammer had a user manual? It could know what it is made for then! True! To have a manual means there was an original purpose written by an original designer. We could receive a manual on how to assemble a table or bed frame if we have a manual. Once assembled, we can begin using it to its manufactured potential. Likewise, the Bible (our manual) serves a similar, if not the same, purpose. The more we read God's heart breathed through his Words in scripture, we will begin to discover more of who we are and what we were made for.

So does loving yourself precede loving other people? Perhaps the focus should neither be on loving others or loving yourself, but on loving God. As you discover more of Him through committing your heart, soul, mind and strength to Him, you begin to discover more of your original purpose. I believe it is then that you are able to love your neighbors as yourself.

This principle of loving your neighbors and discovering your purpose and identity is something I struggle with very much. When numbers of people judge you or view you in a negative way, when people question your actions and do not give you a solution or recommendation, or when the people you once found security and comfort in are no longer there, you can't help but assume there's something negatively wrong about yourself. But God has been doing something very interesting in my life. As people release me from their life, I am noticing how God is also releasing them from mine.

I know, but I don't know

"The more of it (knowledge) we get, the easier it becomes to slip into a mode of life that assumes accumulated information equals gospel maturity. It doesn’t. Left unchecked, there is an inertia in gaining knowledge that moves us away from grace — away from a passion for God’s purpose for the world, away from the sufficiency of Jesus, and away from our small part in it all. " - Jonathan Parnell

“The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge.” - Stephen Hawking

I don't understand people these days. Why do you find the need to stalk old/current friends, ex/current girlfriend, and the random people with a cool picture as their display picture on Facebook or Twitter? When conflict occurs between people, people, including myself in the past, have snooped around seeking information about the other party because they are too prideful or fearful to approach them directly. There's just so many ways to supplement your approach to satisfy your curiosity or desire in knowing more about someone. Knowing more about someone doesn't mean you know them. Being selective in what you want to know about a person is not knowing a person at all especially if all you want to know are their mistakes. 

When people question someone's actions or character, instead of approaching them directly, the common trend is to have a discussion with a third party. What is the point of "finding out more" about someone when it's not even from the direct source? Let's say the direct source leaves out some facts. Is it really necessary to go search for those missing facts? We really gotta ask ourselves, does finding out more facts promote grace, love, peace and unity the way Paul encourages the churches to pursue? Being ignorant is not what I am promoting. If the realities of one's mistakes are evident, does that deter us from seeing the bigger picture? If missing information about someone stops us from living Heaven on earth and stops us from living as a community we are called to live, then we have potentially subjected ourselves to believe that more knowledge equals gospel living. 

The common reason to confront someone is to "rebuke" him or her. I believe in the need and necessity of rebuking when a close friend is found misaligned to the truth of the Gospel. But you gotta really ask yourself "are you actually rebuking?" or just listing out your frustrations? Some people are afraid to rebuke. And rightfully so because they probably don't know how to. From the lips of a good friend, "rebuking should be a beautiful thing because God is aligning someone back to Him." If rebuking is beautiful, why do we fear it so much? I think some people got rebuking all wrong. Rebuking isn't laying out your perceptions of a mistake onto someone. Rebuking is initiated by God, centered on Christ, foundation on love, and focused on the gospel of peace. What does that all mean? It's about praying for the individual. It's reminding the individual where they could be. It's about expressing God's love to them. It's about walking alongside them. It's not leaving them in the cold or their misery after you say what 'you want' to say. It's not stating the issues and leaving them to figure things out on their own. Even if mistakes are a reality, it's about seeing the bigger picture - that God loves the person not the mistake. What happened to seeing people the way Christ sees people? The administration of grace is not a subjective activity. We don't select who we want to extend grace to. Grace was given to all. Who are we to selectively choose who deserves grace? 

We are a complaining generation that lists out only the bad and never a solution or a way out. I understand "we're all imperfect and that we live in a broken world". But I think we need to step back and ask if we're using the spiritual state of humanity as a copout excuse to avoid approaching a tough situation to love the way Christ would.

God loves me

Just a few nights ago, I was lying on the floor while Michelle was on the phone with her best friend. I started to smile. I cannot believe how much I enjoyed being around this girl. I was genuinely excited to hear her voice, anticipate the topics of our next conversation, and smell the aroma of her natural human scent. But as these emotions began to take its place in the back of my mind, the song Michelle and I were listening to began to push its way forward. All I heard was "...there is power, in the name of Jesus. To break every chain..." I began to cry as I realized that as my joy of being around, smelling, and hearing my girlfriend, I realized that that's how Daddy feels about me. He enjoys my presence, my eagerness for Him, and my desire to speak to Him. The intensity of how I felt for my partner is obviously a lot less than how God loves and desires for us. Nonetheless, it definitely put things into perspective.

Functional Saviors

Again the Lord spoke to Ahaz, "Ask the Lord your God for a sign, whether in the deepest depths or in the highest heights." But Ahaz said, "I will not ask; I will not put the Lord to the test." Then Isaiah said, "Hear now, you house of David! Is it not enough to try the patience of men? Will you try the patience of my God also? Therefore the Lord Himself will give you a sign: The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel..." - Isaiah 7:10-14

Ahaz was a king that introduced many pagan and idolatrous customs. Furthermore, he committed the infamous evil act of killing his own son. This guy was king... He was king. Being king meant that he had leadership, influence, and power over a HUGE body of people. If you are in a position of influence, the influenced would, usually, adapt to what you do whether or not it is right. Regardless, God never gave up on Ahaz and even met with him saying (Isaiah 7), "How can I prove to you I exist? Ask me for any sign." But what was his response? "I will not ask; I will not put the Lord to the test."

In my initial reading of this passage, I thought his response was one of humility! But when the pastor read this, he expressed the shallow and wayward heart of Ahaz. This reminds me of the time when I was working at my local church as a Children Ministry Coordinator. The youths that attended our summer VBS program would, without shame, overtly break every rule they knew that were required from them. I remember asking them, "How can we prove to you we love you? What is holding you back from listening/participating? Ask us [sunday school teachers] and we'll do what we can!" The youths responded, "Nah... you're good!" essentially implying I don't want to test you. People don't naturally intend to test people unless you're a fool/punk/jerk! But the question is, when you do test people (i.e. of their patience, generosity, hospitality, etc), you can't help but ask "Why?"

Ahaz had a hidden purpose when he responded in a way that seemed 'humble.' His purpose was to look righteous and humble before people. Why? He believed that in responding in such a way would save him from his functional hell (i.e. judgement). In so doing, he became his own functional savior. We all have many functional saviors most of which we don't even know about. The pastor from today's service shared how when he was in his mid 30's, he began to yearn for a partner, a career, and family. He realized that in doing so, he had made these factors a functional savior. When he got married, he realized that him and his wife were not able to have children. Through the frustrations and heartache, Holy Spirit revealed to him how 'having children' became a functional savior within his marriage. Functional saviors are usually personal to our desires. God responds, "I will then give you something personal to me. My Son." What this means is that the things we hold personally dear to us can now be released because we can take on something so much greater. What God holds personal - His Son.

In the end, functional saviors are self directed and geared towards a failing effort to be free from our own functional hell. I need to recognize the Ahaz in me. What are the areas of my life where I put up a front to sound righteous and just to make myself sound spiritual when the reality of my heart is dry and thirsty? I need to abandon my 'self' daily and rejoice in the grace of Immanuel. That God gave us something personal to Him to be with us. He didn't just give us something personal... He is personal.

Band brothers

I've been thinking a lot about the relationship between Jonathan and David. The moment those two met, they were knitted together (1 Samuel 18:1). You often hear pastors and guidance counselors advise you to take relationships a step at a time; never be "swept off your feet"; save yourself; take things slow. But how could Jonathan and David be so connected to what seems so immediately?

Every time I meet with one of my closest friends, he always asks me 'Are you right with the Lord?' I think the answer to that question reflects the spiritual condition of my heart and whether or not my heart is rightfully abandoned for Jesus. In my honest confession, there are times where I make decisions and go about my day not after God's heart but my own. The snippet from 1 Samuel 18 that paints the beautiful relationship between two friends is breathtaking. I truly believe that the condition of both their hearts, preceding their encounter to one another, is one that was completely for the Lord. Is it possible that I can share in such a relationship? I believe so... If myself and [whoever] are right with the Lord first.

Despite the knitted relationship Jonathan and David had, I wonder if they ever felt alone? What happens when your close friends radically mature, obtain promotions, or do amazingly well in life compared to you? Often, I find myself jealous, left out, or alone. What happened when David was anointed King and Jonathan wasn't? Jonathan continued to encourage David (1 Samuel 23:17). Even when he got nothing, he still encouraged. Even though he didn't get promoted, he continued to uplift David. His focus wasn't on the situation, it was on the bigger picture of Kingdom advancement. Somehow, what we perceive as 'being left out', Jonathan saw it as a participatory invitation from God. I have not been an encouragement or support to my brothers and sisters that have needed it lately. My own perceptions and diagnoses of their needs has led me to sulk only in my own selfishness. I need to abandon my 'self' daily and I need Christ's blood to pump through my veins each and every day. There's obviously many ways to do this. But I really need to go after God's heart and allow Him to knit me into relationships with those that can encourage and move me towards my destiny.

Where You at?

Below is an email discussion I have been having with some of my team members from my Nairobi, Kenya missions trip on the age-old topic "Community." I know it's super late. As some of you may know already, I don't sleep -_-

I believe that trying to please everyone is foolish. Even god can't do that - lol. Before we even create programs and slap the title "ministry" onto these programs to make them "holy", we gotta ask ourselves why are we doing this program? Furthermore, is God even at work in this program? If He's not even at work in this program, we have created a program separate to where God is at. Emphasis cannot be on what you can do or are doing, but rather on what god is doing and has done. As leaders, we don't create things, we simply join God. Example is Moses. Moses didn't create a freedom program to liberate the Israelites from Egypt. God literally welcomed Moses to join Him in His pursuit after His people. God wanted a relationship with Moses. In developing that relationship, God was able to do awesome things not only in Moses, but through Moses! I think that it is an awesome idea if we created a more intentional community based business/ministry (a Team Member's business proposal). But is that what God is currently at work doing? Maybe... I don't think any of us on the team have the answers to that yet! My fear, however, is that we will be known as a Christian based on our doings as opposed to our relationship with Jesus. From Micah, it says "walk humbly with your god." Literally, this means first recognizing that we are walking with God, not Him with you. In addition, there's two truths from this passage: there is a god, and second, we are not Him - lol!!!

Somehow, our culture has taught us that we do therefore we are. But the gospel says otherwise. The gospel says we are, therefore we do. What are we? We are his sons/daughters saved by His grace. We don't operate for our salvation, we operate from our salvation. The temptation so many of us fall into is the belief that we need to "work" for God. We need to get this out of our heads. God doesn't 'need' us. We need Him. We're just lucky to even partake in whatever He's doing. I understand the frustrations of not seeing things get done the way you want them. The reason why so many Christians make little forward progress in their faith-journey is probably because they haven't yet come to an end of themselves. We need to die to live/gain (Galatians). From one of Pastor Tim's sermons, he said: Our crucified life must occur in order for their to be a transformed life. It is only then that we are able to live an obedient life. Do we honestly think that we could work and hold onto god and feel safe? No... We are safe because he holds onto us and has already completed what needs to be done.

Focusing on "community," let us not focus on one tree, but focus on one forest. We are not isolated as trees, but connected together identified as one forest. Our church has to be visioned above. We need to do what He is doing. It is not about us. When you live a life visioned above, your values change. You place higher value on relationships and character instead of fame, wealth, achievements or fun. You begin to see the bigger picture (i.e. the forest) as opposed to your segregation from it.

Knowledge is sneaky. I speak this as a confession and as a concern. The more of it we get, the easier it becomes to slip into a mode of life that assumes accumulated information equals gospel maturity. It doesn't. So if you're discouraged because you feel like you don't know enough about Christianity, do not fret. It's not about how much you know (do not get me wrong, I believe knowledge is important), it's about your relationship with Jesus. Example, the Pharisees taught on prayer, but the disciples experienced the prayer. Don't focus on the prayer. Focus on god. Get to know God.

I feel like my writing is all over the place right now. Cut me some slack, it's 6:30 AM! This encouragement is from a sermon from pastor John Piper (I think it was him...lol). During the times of discouragement because things aren't happening, excel even more. Just as Paul said to the church in Corinth (I think he also says it to Timothy): "So it is with you. Since you are eager to have spiritual gifts, try to excel in gifts that build up the church" (1 Corinthians 14:12). "But just as you excel in everything–in faith, in speech, in knowledge, in complete earnestness and in your love for us–see that you also excel in this grace of giving (2 Corinthians 8:7). People want something from you? Cool. Give it to them, but challenge them to be a part of your life. That way, you don't just give and let them live reckless. People hold crap because they don't have anything else they can hold onto. People throw crap at each other because that's all they've been trained to do. We need to show them and let them know they can let go of the crap in their hands. Once they do, they wipe their hands, lets go, and we place on them blessings. If they hold nothing, they'll just continue to resort to that crap. Mission of the church and the mission of god are not in odds against each other. Both have a mission to bring god glory. Where is He? What is He doing? Join Him...