Where I'm At

It is so easy to say things should not be as rough as they are. It is so easy to say wrestling leads to no where because in the end God reigns. It is so easy to say follow your heart/gut-feeling and yet it is so easy to say your heart is the most evil arena in one's life. Am I pouring out excuses upon excuses. Sometimes, I feel like people assume I am shoveling crap on top of crap so that the original crap won't smell as bad. There's just too many voices around me at the moment that is confusing my decisions and choices. It wasn't an easy decision, but I know it was the right one. I obviously did not administer the decision as well as I could have. I obviously hurt a lot of people. But just cause I made the decision does not equate to me not being hurt. In the end, I recognize that there are too many issues within myself and I simply need to be alone. Some say I am not a man. I'm probably not - which makes it more of an issue for me to drag on a relationship.

After praying and seeking forgiveness from the Lord, I am compelled to apologize. I am utterly sorry and I write this in tears. In many ways, I have hurt many people and made this my own responsibility to carry out which I should not have done. In many ways, this issue could have been carried out much better, but it is vital for me to continually give thanks to God even in these circumstances. I am sorry, everyone, for the hurt I have surfaced during this process of directing my decisions.

Currently, I am just soaking in the Father's love. I need it desperately. It is so easy to walk away and be bitter at the Word during this season. The area that hurts the most is that the ministry I felt the Father's love most is the one area being tested in my life at the moment. Community.

Old MTC (Transformer) Post - February 4, 2010

Read the first blog post I have ever written. Tracking how things have changed for me the past few years has been intense. I've been wrestling with why I journal my thoughts on my blog and not on paper anymore. Furthermore, I've been questioning whether it is appropriate for me to continually spill out my flaws/shortcomings on my blog. Listening to Matt Chandler for the first time this morning, I was reminded that sometimes, people do not need us to be strong. They need us to be weak and it is through our weakness that they may be encouraged. In the end, our Christian faith is not about us being great, but God being great.

Here's my old post:

from your post: And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idel, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else.

So often do we find cars that are idel. Either they're at the front of a mall entrance, the church, or simply on the side of a parking lot. Idel vehicles seem to be EVERYWHERE *annoyed*. That reaction of annoyance seems so 'natural'. But in Paul's writing, it challenges us of our attitudes towards those who are idel. I'm almost 100% confident that we can list out a list of brothers/sisters who are undergoing idleness. ...why?

Timidity... why is it that so often individuals are timid to share? What holds them back? Here's a thought: how many of us have friends who we've been friends with for a LONG TIME, and throughout the period of knowing this person, it seems as though you never 'knew' this person at all. It almost seems as though they've created a barricade; but with you outside. ...why?

The one thing that amazes me about Christianity is the challenge Christ places on us who follows Him through faith. Comfort (which i believe would lead to some sort of idleness), and timidity (which leads to the formation of relational-walls) aren't part of the Christian repertoire. Don't make sense? Ok, here... lets think about it this way:

The world today defines joy as a byproduct of success, comfort, abundance of wealth, and security. But the scriptures challenges us that whenever joy is present, there too is suffering. We read this during bible study! Romans 5:3-5. So, family, be encouraged to not be too comfortable for too long because that may lead to idleness (no movement). Second thought: be BOLD BOLD BOLD!!! You want to know others right? You want others to be real to you right? You don't want others to hide things from you right (well...certain things)? then FIRST, ask YOURSELF if you are doing just that...

Lastly, if a car was idle inside a garage for a period of time, what happens to the individual driver (and possible everyone inside the house)? They all risk the possibility of DEATH. Naturally, we would blame the driver for leaving the car on idle. But how about the individuals in the house that recognizes the idle car as well? Isn't it worse to know a car is idle, and do nothing about it? Family, when we see a brother/sister or a TRANSFORMER that is idle, realize that it will affect us too if we do not do something about it. Be encouraging; be an instrument of love and light; be imitators of Him.

Trust in the Lord

The first passage in the Bible that I ever memorized was the one in Proverbs, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understandings. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your path straight." Such a beautiful promise - but a promise so difficult to walk out.

God has showed me time and time again how He has all things under control. In all my honesty, the area of 'personal finances' has been an ongoing issue in my life. I do not know how to save, and I do not know how to steward what has been given to me. A month or two ago, God opened up a door for a birthing of a new community of brothers. To be honest, I don't even know how it all happened. God placed on my heart a role to support my small group leader by building up a group of men that were willing to challenge one another to grow more intimately with the Lord. In brief, God congregated six guys together. We meet biweekly to study the book of Acts. We challenge one another with deep hearted questions regarding our life personally and corporately. Lastly, we share not only the sins seen, but also the sins unseen by other people.

Today, God has used His servant to humble me. Through his demonstration of love and support, I was reminded of how God has things under control. It was literally out of the 'normal' schedule meeting them on a "Thursday night at Tim Hortans." But through our yearning for more and our desire to be stretched, transformation is occurring and they are unmistakably unrecognizable now! Praise God for adopted grace. We are now all brothers because of what He has done.

Psalm 23 - Shadows

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down on green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

There are times when I hear God's audible voice. And there are times when I question whether I heard Him correctly. There are so many uncertainties and so many opportunities for me to be bitter at Him. Perhaps I am too hard on myself. Indeed, I need to show myself some grace. Psalm 23 has been my meditational passage this day. I couldn't function at school, so I simply left for home. The sequence of this passage never fails to compel me of how much Daddy loves me. I need to lie down and experience His protection and security. It is through receiving that I am enabled to walk (beside quiet waters). But even in my walking, He is leading. And it is not until we begin to walk out in obedience are our souls then restored.

What I need to hold onto now is the truth that the valley of the shadow of death is in fact a shadow. A shadow is something that doesn't hurt me. It brings fear - but it will never hurt me. Although I feel as if I am walking in darkness, the enemy can never hurt me for He is with me.

...Easier said than done.

Bless the Lord, oh my soul and forget not His benefits.

Urban Benediction

http://illseer.bandcamp.com/

It's been a rough half week for me. Been stacked with exam, assignments and essays (as usual). But the unusual things are the internal battles I am encountering. There are decisions I will need to make that will affect the future. God works in an interesting timing and everything seems to work out so perfectly - like the email I received from my brother Cyril.

My buddy is the pastor at Freechurch Toronto (http://www.freechurch.ca/). He recently emailed me his first digital album (URL above). Long story short, I listened to his versus and they're awesome. It feels as if he's rapping his benedictions! I require these blessings especially in dark times like now. It is amazing to witness God redeeming the things our society has lost back to Him. I officially met him this year through an event we were both involved in called Fluid Gathering. Check out his tracks.

Looking Ahead to August

There are currently two things on my heart for August. Mission trip to Kenya from August 3-20, and Camp Eulogia from August 23-26. Could I do both? Yes. But is it wise?

The plan for Kenya is PEACE:

• Plant Hope and the Good news through visitations
• Equip leaders by doing bible and computer training
• Assist the poor by teaching finance and accounting knowledge
• Care for the sick by providing free medical consultation (I think that's out of my realm - lol)
• Educate the next generation by mentoring and counseling youths

The plan for Camp Eulogia is to love and support. I had helped out last year at Camp Eulogia and it completely deepened my faith by stretching my heart capacity for God's children. Camp Eulogia is a Christian summer retreat for children with disabilities, their parents and siblings. (http://villageeulogia.com/camp.html)

At camp Eulogia last year, I had the opportunity to share with a boy why my dance name was 'Floodgatez'. I also shared with him how the name of an individual in the Bible was very important because it essentially defined who they were (i.e. the apostle Peter = the rock). I then asked him if he would protect his sister if a punk boy began to date her. The boy said he will punch the guy in the face :p

I asked the boy if he would make up a new name for himself. The name could be an object, event, or thing he looked up to. To be honest, I actually did not think he'd be seriously thinking about this. But two days later, the boy came up to me during camp fire and told me that he found a name - "Water!" He explained that water is not mean to hurt people. Although people drown in water from waves, it is because of circumstances that causes the waves to be so aggressive. He said he has these angry waves that hurts people such as his family and he does not want to hurt them anymore. He declared that he is not meant to hurt anyone. I asked him what is he meant to do? He responded, Water is naturally calm and peaceful. It is the wind that causes it to be aggressive. He wants to be calm and peaceful like water.

I responded telling him that if he surrendered himself to Jesus, he'll be transformed into new wine. I can't wait to see him again...

Redemption

I just came home from a dinner with Adrienne's family. Prior to that, we were at a conference called Fluid Gathering. My act of service at this conference was to worship in dance - breakdance.

I find it incredible how Satan can mess up our perceptions on what is beautiful (i.e. children, dancing, drums, marriage) and tempt humanity to use or view it as evil. It is also insane to see how Christians agree that these created things are 'evil' and thus demonize such beautiful creations.

From my youtube trailer, I noted at the end of the video that my career started from 2006 and ended in 2009. When I had stopped dancing, I literally demonized the art. I thought all dancers were screwed and steered towards hell. However, from 2009 to 2012, God has done some pretty crazy heart surgery in me. People have prophesied over me saying that I will go back in to dancing eventually but with a new heart. Brothers and sisters have exhorted me and encouraged me to recognize the talent that the Lord had blessed me with. Others have even rebuked me saying that I am not a good steward of what God had blessed me with. Overall, I feel like Moses where he had left Egypt, encountered God, and is now called to go back to Egypt.

I still ponder over a question my brother had asked: "if Floodgatez stopped dancing in 2009, then what are you now?" A 'floodgate' is essentially a gate that admits or restrains a powerful outpour or flood. The old Floodgate was a poor regulator of his own energy and emotions. I had hurt many people including my family, friends, and church. But the old is dead. From Malachi 3:10, whomever I come across with, I would like them to experience an opening of Heaven's floodgates and receive an outpour of blessings. God has redeemed what was tainted back to Himself. The new Floodgatez begins from 2009 until eternity. Thus, it will no longer be 'evil', but beautiful.

CLIU - Freedom in Christ challenge

So I sent an email challenging my small group with my thoughts from yesterday's small group bible study on Colossians 2:6-23. In brief, I challenged the group with the closing summary our small group leader (Karen) stated. She eloquently closed by saying the title of the passage - "Freedom From Human Regulations Through life with Christ". My challenge to our small group is to first and foremost grasp the meaning and application of living a life WITH CHRIST. Do not focus solely on the 'freedom from human regulations'. Freedom will follow if our lives are with Him.

Here are some questions I asked them to consider and ponder over:

• Are we a people that yearns for freedom more so than a relationship with Jesus? Does a relationship with Jesus equate to the absence of freedom?
• Some interpret 'human regulations' as going to church, going to small group, attending church festivities, attending fellowship, etc. If this is the case, has freedom from human regulations become an excuse for some of us (example: I am free in Christ therefore I do not need to attend small group)? I agree, we aren't supposed to be like Asian pharisees that come to every church event. But if you are not right with the Lord, would you not want to attend these church events?!

When our group split into men and women, my prayer is that our small group would be a place where boys become men. That the men would begin to lead and care for the hearts of our sisters and our partners. My hope is to see lives within the small group transform. The harvest is ready...

Stewardship - my physical body

I don't usually lent, but I am going to fast from any food that could 'harm' my body more excessively than normal. I know ALL food given in extreme portions could cause a lot of bodily harm. So I am going to focus more so on fast-food, excessive meat, chips, candies, excessive alcohol, and soda. I know that's a lot, but I realized how obsessed I have become with food. In the end, I want to be a good steward with the body the Lord has given me. I need to care for it not only spiritually, but physically as well. I think that I have been focusing so much on caring for my 'spiritual life' that I absolutely neglected my physical. Nothing too fancy or 'spiritual' about this. I am simply going to start exercising more often, eat carefully, and sleep better.

Regulating Health and Safety vs Sin

I have always questioned why I am pursuing a degree in Science. I always loved Psychology and Sociology. I love discovering why people do what they do, or how culture shapes our behaviours. Never would I imagine pursuing a degree in science enrolled in the program of Occupational Health and Safety (OHS). In brief, my field of study researches, regulates and controls a company's Health and Safety culture. Long story short, I essentially do what Homer Simpson does (excluding the donuts and beer)!

As I was studying, the more I began to recognize a connection between OHS and sin. Before regulating a company's health and safety, the safety inspector would research/calculate workers risks of exposure to hazards. These hazards include chemical, biological, radiation, physical. 'Risks' include forms of cancer, but can extend to other toxicological outcomes and reproductive disorders. The calculation of risk is therefore performed as a risk of [cancer/death/reproductive-disorders] occurring within the lifetime of the individual(s). Secondly, the inspector would perform a risk assessment. A risk assessment essentially discovers the magnitude of the effect of the exposure (i.e. cancer, death, acute, chronic, disability). Lastly, risk management is the development of ways to regulate internal, public and environmental exposure.

As disciples of Jesus, we also need to do our research, assessment, and management. Exposure to certain social mediums such as music videos, social icons, celebrities (even Christian ones), fast-food, alcohol, rock music, rap music, shopping, bars, etc are not necessarily 'evil' or 'sinful'. But to some, exposure to these may lead to serious effects. I am a dude, and I recognize my weaknesses when I am exposed to certain things. For example, I used to disallow myself to hold my girlfriend because I was aroused by her physical touch. Overtime, I realized that what I thought was righteous and pure, literally became the opposite - pharisitical and demonized. I absolutely failed to recognize God's redeeming grace over ALL things in my life - past, present and future.

As disciples, we also need to assess the cost of exposure to certain social mediums. We already know that the wages of sin is death. If you know that exposure to [for example] social icons, alcohol or shopping would lead you into sin, don't even 'test' yourself.

Lastly, managing the risk of exposure could be explained simply or it could be hard. The simple explanation is 'put on Christ' and you'll be fine. Follow His Spirit and do not satisfy the cravings of your inner desires. LOL But it's the 'how' that causes us to stumble. In OHS, all accidents are caused by a source, but most accidents are not caused directly by the source. From the source to the point of employee contact, there is a path that acts as a transport medium (i.e. air ventilation, absorption, slip, trip and falls). To manage a worker's safety, the inspector would create barriers along the path so that the risk of employee contact is decreased. From personal experience in my spiritual quest, my barriers that decreases my risk of exposure are:

• Stick to a solid system of spiritual men that is willing to care for your soul
• Dig deep into His Word and let that be your foundation. Do not be afraid to ask questions
• Submit to the authority of scripture and quit debating over foolish things such as is it right to date a non-Christian; is it OK to have premarital sex; does God really disallow homosexuality? The last time I heard these questions was in Genesis 3 (i.e. "did God really say you will die?").
• Pray, pray, pray, pray

We are obviously imperfect beings in need of a continual relationship with Jesus. If we fall, confess and disallow your sins to harden your heart from God's Spirit. By no means am I demonizing all things and encouraging all disciples to cut themselves off from social mediums. I simply recognize that we all need to regulate the health and safety of our new heart.

Kingdom Advancement

Kingdom advancement has been something both Adrienne and I have been discussing lately. The concept seems so loosely used. To be honest, I'm still thinking about what this means or how it looks.

I was reading Exodus 3 and 4 today during my devotional time. I have read 3:7-10 many times in my upbringing, but reading it this time, God's expression and promises popped straight out of the pages. The Lord said to Moses that He has seen the people's misery, heard their cry, and is concerned about their suffering. As a result, He has come down to rescue and bring them up. And now, He sends you (Moses). Is that not insane? That God sees, hears, and is concerned; that He comes down to bring us up; that He sends us to free others. These descriptions of His reactions to our suffering is such a powerful promise of His love and pursuit after us.

Moses responded generally the same way most Christians would respond: Who am I that I should go? What if they question who sent me? What if they do not believe me or listen to me? I have never been eloquent in speech and tongue. Send someone else. I'm just surprised God didn't smite him for being so naive and cowardly. But again, these are responses most of us Christians would say too if God were to call us out of our comfort zone.

This snippet of God calling Moses out revealed to me that Kingdom advancement is somewhat similar to this. I believe that God calls people to align with Holy Spirit to bring Heaven down to earth. What that means is ushering people into godly community to experience God's presence, justice, healing, reign, peace and love. Literally, it is reconciling all things back to God so that life may experience life as it was intended to be back in the day of creation (Genesis 1-2).

What is the current state of the church (His bride)? How am I advancing His kingdom? How are Christians... screw this word... disciples advancing His kingdom? Advancing is a forward movement. If we are sitting on our butts because we're lazy, stupid, or cowardly, then we're simply pulling a Moses. Ha... typical.

Church and Community

Church is:

• A community of God's people
• The body of Christ
• People joined by Holy Spirit
• A place where worship exists

That's all I can think of at the moment. For the past few years, I have been bugging my brother, Bernard, about this concept of Church. What is church? What is community? How does this look like? I don't get it... I have been attending church for years now, but 'church' does not look like what I discussed above. Perhaps it's just me and my thirst for more. I feel so dissatisfied with what church seems to be. I love my church and the people in it (even those I rarely talk to). But why do I still feel so restless?

Perhaps I have become so familiar with how to 'do church' that I'm losing my familiarity with Jesus within the church. I want to accept the challenges in scriptures and experience God through loving others. Reminds me of something Bonhoeffer said: "The Church is the Church only when it exists for others." We gotta stop being so inwardly focused such as creating programs that comforts the congregation to stay or attracts people to come. If the Gospel is truly central in our lives, should we not be comforting and attractive? When we outreach to people outside of the church, we don't bring them to the church... we bring them to God. The church is simply a place where they may encounter His presence. I recognize that programs, events and outreaches are effective ministry tools. But the focus of Church cannot be on generating programs only. It should be focused on generating disciples.

If the church is truly a place where die-hard disciples exist, then why are we not a community of God's people that incarnate the body of Christ, joined by one Spirit, worshipping in Spirit and truth?

Hidden expectations

We do not choose whether we want to be pastors or not - God does. Seminary does not create pastors - the church does. Seminary is not responsible in my walk with the Lord - I am.

It is so incredible how I had placed hidden expectations on seminary. I used to believe that upon acceptance, my walk with the Lord will be amplified and deepened because of my environment and peers. It may be true! But my relationship with God is my own responsibility.

I know far too many people who enter into seminary because they thought that seminary would deepen their faith. Others had nothing better to do. Some just went because they thought being a pastor is 'cool.' Dang it... Seriously?! Being a pastor is the most toughest job (quoted by my mom). You care and tend the souls of so many. You are constantly praying and fasting before decisions are made. You are ridiculed, respected, judged, loved, persecuted and cared for all at the same time. Your finances, security, and comfort all decrease. You WILL encounter suffering. Wow, imagine entering seminary with a hidden expectation that your walk would be better. How disappointed I would have been!

But regardless of the tsunami of feelings of becoming a pastor, there is still joy, peace, hope, and excitement. The calling and the journey of becoming a pastor is not decided by me (or anyone). My decision is whether I would respond to Him calling me to enter into full time ministry.

Note (edited 2/24/12 @ 4:10): A brother of mine reminded me that all of us Christians are already in 'full-time' ministry. I agree. We can't be part-time ministers of Christ. We might not do it as a 'career', but our lives is already a ministry that reflects God's grace and mercy. I do not deny the fact that seminary could in fact sharpen one's walk with the Lord. Currently, my wrestle isn't so much 'should I go to seminary?' It's more so 'which seminary should I go to?'

Take responsibility to your calling

"You are not responsible for the church. You are responsible to your calling."

These words were said to me today as I shared with my friend about the things I was currently wrestling with. It's so hard to know/discern when is the right time to hang up our towel and step away from the places we have been so accustomed to for years. When do people step down from their current roles, and step up elsewhere? Mind you, I do not believe that people step down and stay down. I believe that stepping down in any ministry is simply an opening opportunity to step up elsewhere. But 'when' do you know?

I think it becomes dangerous when we stay where we are because we believe that we are a functional savior in our ministries, relationships, or even church. Scary thing is that sometimes, we do not know we view ourselves in such a self-righteous way. What makes us think that God possibly needs us to complete His will? If He wants it done, He'll have it done regardless. We just need to rejoice that we get to join Him.

When God called Jonah to go to Ninevah, Jonah ran. Through a series of events, Jonah eventually fulfilled his calling but became frustrated at God's compassion over Ninevah. See, from this story, all Jonah was responsible for was His calling. If more was required of Jonah, God would have called him out on it. By no means am I encouraging people (or myself) to slack and just do 'enough' or the bare 'minimum.' I recognize that God deserves our all and our best. In the end, we need to do our part and trust God with the rest.

Testimony

I'm currently in the process of writing my testimony and it's super difficult.

Fave Bible Study

Today's bible study in our youth fellowship came from the book of John 8:31-41. It was honestly an eye opening study - I saw hope in these youths...

In the beginning, it was hard engaging the youths. They were distracted or completely zoned out. But by God's grace, we had an amazing time studying His word. Some of their simple observations were:

• If we listen and study His words we are His disciple
• The truth will set you free
• Jesus is the truth
• Everyone is a slave to sin
• Pharisee's contradicted themselves
• Fools are closed minded, do not listen, and do not care about the truth

At this point of the study, their heads blew up and Holy Spirit totally permeated into their stone hearts. One kid cried out, "I can't believe I understand the Bible!" ... Interesting...

The summary of their observations was that fools do not listen or care about truth (essentially Jesus) which leads to freedom. Therefore, some are not free because they are still slaves to sin and the wages of sin is death. A slave simply cannot will themselves to become free. This is why we need Christ.

It was very encouraging seeing the holy excitement in these youths.

Go back to Egypt cont...

Adrienne and I were talking about this last night. The focus isn't so much on going back to Egypt, but going to the promise land :)

Go back to Egypt

I tried practicing breakdancing today and I epically failed. It's honestly saddening. My belly acts as an additional gravitational pull, and my fat disallows me to suspend in the air. I kept asking Adrienne, 'Why am I doing this? Am I really gonna dance at Fluid?' My hands were clammy; my heart was racing; and my mind was all over the place. Breakdancing... a life I had left in November 2009. Could God really be calling me back into this? ...I wonder if this is how Moses felt when God told him to go back to Egypt.

The story of Moses always intrigued me. His utter dependence on God simply made him the most humble man on earth. His wandering in the desert made him the perfect candidate to lead those who are suffering out of their deserts. His fear of the Lord made him wise. His shepherd's heart made the Israelite's stubbornness tolerable. Am I to also go back to 'Egypt?'

Oh God... if this is truly Your calling, equip and enable me...

Fight on

Heres an old Chinese story my crew member shared with me (Aladar):

The country is at war and they are attacking. The soldiers docked and the general ordered them to burn all their docked boats. They were puzzled and asked what if they want to retreat? The general said, "If you want to live, then take the city. There's only one way to go which is forward." The troops were pumped and all that was in their mind was to charge forward because they couldn't turn back. In the end, they owned the enemy and took the city.

You are still young. You have nothing to lose, so just charge forward and go for it. If it really fails, it's not to late to try something else. I believe u have the ability to attain what u want man. Gabe don't believe in yourself, but believe in me that believes in you that believes in me that believes in everyone that believes in you. LOL Fight on.

Never doubt yourself.

It's crazy how the enemy can tempt us to doubt ourselves. A few things the enemy seems to attack frequently are our family and our relationships. But go figures, these are the two areas closest to our Father's heart. What Aladar said was such a heavy reminder of the soldiers I am leading. It is such a strong reminder that I love because the Father first loved me. It's insane how as humans, we sometimes want to revert back to our old-self. Perhaps the reason why we feel useless, fearful, and ineffective to move forward is because we still have our old 'flesh' docked on shore. Didn't Jesus and Paul preach to us that we need to die to our flesh and be born again? Burn those boats and quit looking back! CHAAAAAARRRRRGGEE

Hold up... Before anyone charges, keep in mind, I'm not saying that one's success is dependent on their own efforts. Our dependence is on His Spirit and by us abiding in Him. In so doing, fruit will bear (I think that's in John 14 or 15). But in order for us to bear fruit requires a crucifixion of our old flesh (those boats docked on shore). The crucified life must occur in order for their to be a transformed life, then the obedient life.

Confession, Grace, and Choices

Something I've been wrestling with this week is 'confession' and ' choices'. One of my beloved disciples was concerned of the next chapter in his life - the life of university. Where to go? What to study? Future career? Is this God honoring? Am I prideful if I choose medicine/law? How can I discern if I am choosing because God convicted me or I want to do what my friends are doing? First off, I am super excited at the fact that he's prayerfully thinking through this as supposed to 'going with the flow'. Second these are all legitimate concerns! Thirdly, I'm gonna talk about my wrestle with confession first :)

I think a huge, and honest reason, why we need to confess is that we're sinners. Yes, I understand that we are made new, but god is still perfecting us (Philippians 1). So what was 'made new' then? Why are we still mucking around in sin if we're made new?! What's new is our heart. We once had a heart of stone that was hardened from feeling the convictions from Holy Spirit. But our new heart is one that is alive and is able to respond and recognize the need for complete dependence in Him. This is truly an act of grace. It's such a blessed reminder that grace does not only save me, but it also transforms me NOW. Once we stop confessing, we claim a few things:

1. We are perfect and do not need God. We have become our own savior. This could be due to our pride that disallows us to recognize our need to depend on Christ.
2. That we're calling god a lier. He says we are sinners, us not confessing simply says, 'nope, we are sinless'.

So how do we know we are subjected to these deceptions? Simple, you postpone your confessions. Overall, confession heals your relationship with others, heals you, and heals your relationship with god (James 5, 1 John 1).

I understand how sometimes we just feel guilty and tired of confessing the same sin over and over. When these feelings occur, I sometimes feel as if I have cheapened the blood of Christ that washes away all of our sins. But here’s the tricky weird part: I think we 'should' feel guilty sometimes, because sometimes we just ARE guilty of sin. That guilt is probably there because of many reasons. One in particular is unconfessed sins. Overall, complacency as Christians is a real danger. Complacency simply means not doing what god tells/convicts us to do which could be confessing our sins and surrendering the poop in our lives.

See, going back to my first part discussing about grace, if grace truly is taken for its complete worth and affect, change will occur. We will 'naturally' respond! But this truth is confusing! If we respond to grace, how about responding to guilt? The tragic truth in us humans is that we naturally take grace for granted. Without knowing, we sometimes cheapen grace without completely knowing it. Another tragedy is that constant guilt causes us to ignore our convictions. Isn't that crazy?! How we may potentially disregard our convictions AND guilt. See, if we are indeed sinning, we need the Lord to help us change. This is the new heart - a heart that yearns to be aligned and transformed into His which requires confession - a crucifixion of our old man. I guess the concern is, in times where guilt surfaces, what do we do? In times where Holy Spirit convicts us, how do we respond?

So where should my disciple go next in life? What should our youths pursue? Deciding on where to go next in life is normal. The vast amount of options should not, however, disable them to move. If you stand right with God, He will give you the desires of your heart and what you choose is what He wants to give to you. So whether your study endeavors is medicine, business, or ministry, etc...if your heart is for Him, what you choose will be good. Firstly, I think one should ask themselves if the Lord is sitting in the throne of their life. Example, how is your relationship with Jesus? Are you the boss? or He is? Areas to look out for to understand the vitality of your relationship with Christ is your prayer life, community life, devotional life, etc. Secondly, what excites you and inspires you? Where do you think you are most effective and stretched? Where can you be challenged the greatest? Perhaps this season of choices is for them to discover where they could be challenged, stirred, and inspired!

Even as I write this, I am challenging myself with the same questions. This is my last semester before I graduate with my first undergraduate degree. Where do I go next?! Masters of Divinity? Work? MIssions? Get married?! In the end, we're all going through these kinds of decision-making journeys together with our kids. The beauty isn't being a guru in decision-making for them, but traveling together with them and experience the transforming grace of Christ together.

One Shot

Eminem - Lose Yourself

Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity

To seize everything you ever wanted, one moment

Would you capture it, or just let it slip? Yo...

One of my disciples was talking to me about how he feels as if he's missed or he's blown so many opportunities in his life to become successful. Without a doubt, anguish and frustration was on the surface of his voice. Immediately, I thought of Rabbit - aka Eminem.

The thing with Rabbit is that he had many 'chances.' Furthermore, the issue was whether or not he wanted to take these chances or not. See, we all say we'll take it if it's offered to us. But when it's offered, we feel like we don't deserve it; we choke and begin to devalue ourselves. On the contrary, when we do have it, whenever something like suffering occurs, we give up and call it quits.

We always wait for a 'chance.' But even if we're already in or given that chance, we sometimes get scared and quit. As a result, we loss the chance... again. 'Waiting' for the opportunity doesn't entail doing nothing. During this waiting period, strengthen yourself right now so that you can 'stay' when the chance is given.

CLIU - Christ Lives in Us

I felt so weird today catching myself wanting to increase in certain things such as love, or wisdom. The more I thought of it, the more I realized I was asking God for an individual package deal. When in reality, the package is Jesus Christ. As we sit in him, all that we desire comes to be. Holy spirit produces what is of Christ in me which entails love, wisdom, righteousness, peace, compassion, etc. It's not pick and choose. There's only one complete package. However, we cannot live outwardly until we allow god to instill Christ in us.

CLIU - an acronym my small group adopted as "Christ lives in us." I was meditating on this and the more I focused in on this, the more I asked what does that even entail? It's a bold and important statement; but rarely understood. It's a need; but usually the least prioritized. It's an opportunity for comfort; but yet the most feared choice. Why? It's weird... but understandable. As I began to meditate more on the character of Christ, I became more and more drawn to how it is no longer I, but him in me; in us. His love, grace, humility and compassion... all of it, in me. Christ's love IS IN ME! Christ's humility in me. His wisdom, joy, faith... All of it! Christ doesnt only live in me, his life is now me. That little 'm' me is now a big 'M' Me because He reigns supreme in Me! Hallelujah! I am now holy, pure and blameless not because of what I can do or will do, but because of what he's done. See, it's not stupid for me to ask for more love or more grace or more humility. But would it not be greater to ask for more of Him?! God doesn't send down packages for us to open and receive. He gave us his son so that we may have it all. That His son in me is enough. He is my sufficiency. He is all I want and need.

Adventure or Quest?

So my other half shared her vision for our fellowship for 2012 on Wednesday night. To close off the night, she asked our fellowship if our pursuit for God was an adventure or a quest? The overall difference between an adventure and a quest is that in a quest, you never come back the same. She used the example of the hobbits in Lord of the Rings and how after their quest, they went back to the shire no longer the same. On this quest, what am I hungry for? What do I envision? What do I desire to develop?

What am I hungry for? I am hungering an encounter with the Lord and His love for me. I want to experience Him in fresh new ways. I want to let Him place a robe, a ring, and sandals on me. I want to feast with the Father and celebrate with Him.

What do I envision? I envision being surrounded by an army of prayer warriors. I envision Holy Spirit moving across Toronto and completely reviving it.

What do I desire to develop? I want to develop a character that is like His. I want to be a man after His own heart. I want to be grounded in His God-breathed-Words. I want to submit to the authority of scriptures and to pray in it and with it. I want to develop the gift of prophecy.

Job and future

I'm in class right now. I'm currently finishing up my last semester at Ryerson University, and I am honestly more scared than excited. As I am approaching this finish line, all my broken conceptions of the 'future' and 'self-worth' is starting to surface. It's messed up how my culture or upbringing connects worth with one's future career. Sigh... as I am applying for work, I'm pretty scared and uncertain of how my future will unfold. It's difficult sometimes to see how other people have 'things together' while I am just realizing 'how' to have things together.

Today, I am reminding myself that my worth is not generated by the world. Back to paying attention to my prof...

Choices choices choices

It's been a while since I posted. It's been a while since I meditated on anything. It's been a while since I ate a salad (or anything green and healthy). It's been a while since I cleaned my toilet and room. It's been a while since I worked out. It's just been a while...

The reason why its been a while since I did anything I want to do is a matter of the choices I make that expresses my inner heart. I randomly asked SIRI on my Iphone 'How many choices does a person make in a day?' And she (or it... lol) brings me to this web search. Someone on a forum wrote: "There are over 1000 minutes in the average working day. At five decisions a minute, a person makes easily 5000 decisions a day. Few are earth-shaking, but all are the results of choices."

How about the choice of choosing God or the Devil? See, the messed up thing isn't the choice. The messed up thing is that some of us think we actually have a choice. My none-Jesus-lover friends think that as long as they choose neither God or the Devil, they're good. See, they don't have to choose the devil... they belong to him already.

What I am meditating on today is 'not my will, but His will be done.'