Hidden expectations

We do not choose whether we want to be pastors or not - God does. Seminary does not create pastors - the church does. Seminary is not responsible in my walk with the Lord - I am.

It is so incredible how I had placed hidden expectations on seminary. I used to believe that upon acceptance, my walk with the Lord will be amplified and deepened because of my environment and peers. It may be true! But my relationship with God is my own responsibility.

I know far too many people who enter into seminary because they thought that seminary would deepen their faith. Others had nothing better to do. Some just went because they thought being a pastor is 'cool.' Dang it... Seriously?! Being a pastor is the most toughest job (quoted by my mom). You care and tend the souls of so many. You are constantly praying and fasting before decisions are made. You are ridiculed, respected, judged, loved, persecuted and cared for all at the same time. Your finances, security, and comfort all decrease. You WILL encounter suffering. Wow, imagine entering seminary with a hidden expectation that your walk would be better. How disappointed I would have been!

But regardless of the tsunami of feelings of becoming a pastor, there is still joy, peace, hope, and excitement. The calling and the journey of becoming a pastor is not decided by me (or anyone). My decision is whether I would respond to Him calling me to enter into full time ministry.

Note (edited 2/24/12 @ 4:10): A brother of mine reminded me that all of us Christians are already in 'full-time' ministry. I agree. We can't be part-time ministers of Christ. We might not do it as a 'career', but our lives is already a ministry that reflects God's grace and mercy. I do not deny the fact that seminary could in fact sharpen one's walk with the Lord. Currently, my wrestle isn't so much 'should I go to seminary?' It's more so 'which seminary should I go to?'

Take responsibility to your calling

"You are not responsible for the church. You are responsible to your calling."

These words were said to me today as I shared with my friend about the things I was currently wrestling with. It's so hard to know/discern when is the right time to hang up our towel and step away from the places we have been so accustomed to for years. When do people step down from their current roles, and step up elsewhere? Mind you, I do not believe that people step down and stay down. I believe that stepping down in any ministry is simply an opening opportunity to step up elsewhere. But 'when' do you know?

I think it becomes dangerous when we stay where we are because we believe that we are a functional savior in our ministries, relationships, or even church. Scary thing is that sometimes, we do not know we view ourselves in such a self-righteous way. What makes us think that God possibly needs us to complete His will? If He wants it done, He'll have it done regardless. We just need to rejoice that we get to join Him.

When God called Jonah to go to Ninevah, Jonah ran. Through a series of events, Jonah eventually fulfilled his calling but became frustrated at God's compassion over Ninevah. See, from this story, all Jonah was responsible for was His calling. If more was required of Jonah, God would have called him out on it. By no means am I encouraging people (or myself) to slack and just do 'enough' or the bare 'minimum.' I recognize that God deserves our all and our best. In the end, we need to do our part and trust God with the rest.

Testimony

I'm currently in the process of writing my testimony and it's super difficult.

Fave Bible Study

Today's bible study in our youth fellowship came from the book of John 8:31-41. It was honestly an eye opening study - I saw hope in these youths...

In the beginning, it was hard engaging the youths. They were distracted or completely zoned out. But by God's grace, we had an amazing time studying His word. Some of their simple observations were:

• If we listen and study His words we are His disciple
• The truth will set you free
• Jesus is the truth
• Everyone is a slave to sin
• Pharisee's contradicted themselves
• Fools are closed minded, do not listen, and do not care about the truth

At this point of the study, their heads blew up and Holy Spirit totally permeated into their stone hearts. One kid cried out, "I can't believe I understand the Bible!" ... Interesting...

The summary of their observations was that fools do not listen or care about truth (essentially Jesus) which leads to freedom. Therefore, some are not free because they are still slaves to sin and the wages of sin is death. A slave simply cannot will themselves to become free. This is why we need Christ.

It was very encouraging seeing the holy excitement in these youths.

Go back to Egypt cont...

Adrienne and I were talking about this last night. The focus isn't so much on going back to Egypt, but going to the promise land :)

Go back to Egypt

I tried practicing breakdancing today and I epically failed. It's honestly saddening. My belly acts as an additional gravitational pull, and my fat disallows me to suspend in the air. I kept asking Adrienne, 'Why am I doing this? Am I really gonna dance at Fluid?' My hands were clammy; my heart was racing; and my mind was all over the place. Breakdancing... a life I had left in November 2009. Could God really be calling me back into this? ...I wonder if this is how Moses felt when God told him to go back to Egypt.

The story of Moses always intrigued me. His utter dependence on God simply made him the most humble man on earth. His wandering in the desert made him the perfect candidate to lead those who are suffering out of their deserts. His fear of the Lord made him wise. His shepherd's heart made the Israelite's stubbornness tolerable. Am I to also go back to 'Egypt?'

Oh God... if this is truly Your calling, equip and enable me...

Fight on

Heres an old Chinese story my crew member shared with me (Aladar):

The country is at war and they are attacking. The soldiers docked and the general ordered them to burn all their docked boats. They were puzzled and asked what if they want to retreat? The general said, "If you want to live, then take the city. There's only one way to go which is forward." The troops were pumped and all that was in their mind was to charge forward because they couldn't turn back. In the end, they owned the enemy and took the city.

You are still young. You have nothing to lose, so just charge forward and go for it. If it really fails, it's not to late to try something else. I believe u have the ability to attain what u want man. Gabe don't believe in yourself, but believe in me that believes in you that believes in me that believes in everyone that believes in you. LOL Fight on.

Never doubt yourself.

It's crazy how the enemy can tempt us to doubt ourselves. A few things the enemy seems to attack frequently are our family and our relationships. But go figures, these are the two areas closest to our Father's heart. What Aladar said was such a heavy reminder of the soldiers I am leading. It is such a strong reminder that I love because the Father first loved me. It's insane how as humans, we sometimes want to revert back to our old-self. Perhaps the reason why we feel useless, fearful, and ineffective to move forward is because we still have our old 'flesh' docked on shore. Didn't Jesus and Paul preach to us that we need to die to our flesh and be born again? Burn those boats and quit looking back! CHAAAAAARRRRRGGEE

Hold up... Before anyone charges, keep in mind, I'm not saying that one's success is dependent on their own efforts. Our dependence is on His Spirit and by us abiding in Him. In so doing, fruit will bear (I think that's in John 14 or 15). But in order for us to bear fruit requires a crucifixion of our old flesh (those boats docked on shore). The crucified life must occur in order for their to be a transformed life, then the obedient life.

Confession, Grace, and Choices

Something I've been wrestling with this week is 'confession' and ' choices'. One of my beloved disciples was concerned of the next chapter in his life - the life of university. Where to go? What to study? Future career? Is this God honoring? Am I prideful if I choose medicine/law? How can I discern if I am choosing because God convicted me or I want to do what my friends are doing? First off, I am super excited at the fact that he's prayerfully thinking through this as supposed to 'going with the flow'. Second these are all legitimate concerns! Thirdly, I'm gonna talk about my wrestle with confession first :)

I think a huge, and honest reason, why we need to confess is that we're sinners. Yes, I understand that we are made new, but god is still perfecting us (Philippians 1). So what was 'made new' then? Why are we still mucking around in sin if we're made new?! What's new is our heart. We once had a heart of stone that was hardened from feeling the convictions from Holy Spirit. But our new heart is one that is alive and is able to respond and recognize the need for complete dependence in Him. This is truly an act of grace. It's such a blessed reminder that grace does not only save me, but it also transforms me NOW. Once we stop confessing, we claim a few things:

1. We are perfect and do not need God. We have become our own savior. This could be due to our pride that disallows us to recognize our need to depend on Christ.
2. That we're calling god a lier. He says we are sinners, us not confessing simply says, 'nope, we are sinless'.

So how do we know we are subjected to these deceptions? Simple, you postpone your confessions. Overall, confession heals your relationship with others, heals you, and heals your relationship with god (James 5, 1 John 1).

I understand how sometimes we just feel guilty and tired of confessing the same sin over and over. When these feelings occur, I sometimes feel as if I have cheapened the blood of Christ that washes away all of our sins. But here’s the tricky weird part: I think we 'should' feel guilty sometimes, because sometimes we just ARE guilty of sin. That guilt is probably there because of many reasons. One in particular is unconfessed sins. Overall, complacency as Christians is a real danger. Complacency simply means not doing what god tells/convicts us to do which could be confessing our sins and surrendering the poop in our lives.

See, going back to my first part discussing about grace, if grace truly is taken for its complete worth and affect, change will occur. We will 'naturally' respond! But this truth is confusing! If we respond to grace, how about responding to guilt? The tragic truth in us humans is that we naturally take grace for granted. Without knowing, we sometimes cheapen grace without completely knowing it. Another tragedy is that constant guilt causes us to ignore our convictions. Isn't that crazy?! How we may potentially disregard our convictions AND guilt. See, if we are indeed sinning, we need the Lord to help us change. This is the new heart - a heart that yearns to be aligned and transformed into His which requires confession - a crucifixion of our old man. I guess the concern is, in times where guilt surfaces, what do we do? In times where Holy Spirit convicts us, how do we respond?

So where should my disciple go next in life? What should our youths pursue? Deciding on where to go next in life is normal. The vast amount of options should not, however, disable them to move. If you stand right with God, He will give you the desires of your heart and what you choose is what He wants to give to you. So whether your study endeavors is medicine, business, or ministry, etc...if your heart is for Him, what you choose will be good. Firstly, I think one should ask themselves if the Lord is sitting in the throne of their life. Example, how is your relationship with Jesus? Are you the boss? or He is? Areas to look out for to understand the vitality of your relationship with Christ is your prayer life, community life, devotional life, etc. Secondly, what excites you and inspires you? Where do you think you are most effective and stretched? Where can you be challenged the greatest? Perhaps this season of choices is for them to discover where they could be challenged, stirred, and inspired!

Even as I write this, I am challenging myself with the same questions. This is my last semester before I graduate with my first undergraduate degree. Where do I go next?! Masters of Divinity? Work? MIssions? Get married?! In the end, we're all going through these kinds of decision-making journeys together with our kids. The beauty isn't being a guru in decision-making for them, but traveling together with them and experience the transforming grace of Christ together.

One Shot

Eminem - Lose Yourself

Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity

To seize everything you ever wanted, one moment

Would you capture it, or just let it slip? Yo...

One of my disciples was talking to me about how he feels as if he's missed or he's blown so many opportunities in his life to become successful. Without a doubt, anguish and frustration was on the surface of his voice. Immediately, I thought of Rabbit - aka Eminem.

The thing with Rabbit is that he had many 'chances.' Furthermore, the issue was whether or not he wanted to take these chances or not. See, we all say we'll take it if it's offered to us. But when it's offered, we feel like we don't deserve it; we choke and begin to devalue ourselves. On the contrary, when we do have it, whenever something like suffering occurs, we give up and call it quits.

We always wait for a 'chance.' But even if we're already in or given that chance, we sometimes get scared and quit. As a result, we loss the chance... again. 'Waiting' for the opportunity doesn't entail doing nothing. During this waiting period, strengthen yourself right now so that you can 'stay' when the chance is given.

CLIU - Christ Lives in Us

I felt so weird today catching myself wanting to increase in certain things such as love, or wisdom. The more I thought of it, the more I realized I was asking God for an individual package deal. When in reality, the package is Jesus Christ. As we sit in him, all that we desire comes to be. Holy spirit produces what is of Christ in me which entails love, wisdom, righteousness, peace, compassion, etc. It's not pick and choose. There's only one complete package. However, we cannot live outwardly until we allow god to instill Christ in us.

CLIU - an acronym my small group adopted as "Christ lives in us." I was meditating on this and the more I focused in on this, the more I asked what does that even entail? It's a bold and important statement; but rarely understood. It's a need; but usually the least prioritized. It's an opportunity for comfort; but yet the most feared choice. Why? It's weird... but understandable. As I began to meditate more on the character of Christ, I became more and more drawn to how it is no longer I, but him in me; in us. His love, grace, humility and compassion... all of it, in me. Christ's love IS IN ME! Christ's humility in me. His wisdom, joy, faith... All of it! Christ doesnt only live in me, his life is now me. That little 'm' me is now a big 'M' Me because He reigns supreme in Me! Hallelujah! I am now holy, pure and blameless not because of what I can do or will do, but because of what he's done. See, it's not stupid for me to ask for more love or more grace or more humility. But would it not be greater to ask for more of Him?! God doesn't send down packages for us to open and receive. He gave us his son so that we may have it all. That His son in me is enough. He is my sufficiency. He is all I want and need.

Adventure or Quest?

So my other half shared her vision for our fellowship for 2012 on Wednesday night. To close off the night, she asked our fellowship if our pursuit for God was an adventure or a quest? The overall difference between an adventure and a quest is that in a quest, you never come back the same. She used the example of the hobbits in Lord of the Rings and how after their quest, they went back to the shire no longer the same. On this quest, what am I hungry for? What do I envision? What do I desire to develop?

What am I hungry for? I am hungering an encounter with the Lord and His love for me. I want to experience Him in fresh new ways. I want to let Him place a robe, a ring, and sandals on me. I want to feast with the Father and celebrate with Him.

What do I envision? I envision being surrounded by an army of prayer warriors. I envision Holy Spirit moving across Toronto and completely reviving it.

What do I desire to develop? I want to develop a character that is like His. I want to be a man after His own heart. I want to be grounded in His God-breathed-Words. I want to submit to the authority of scriptures and to pray in it and with it. I want to develop the gift of prophecy.

Job and future

I'm in class right now. I'm currently finishing up my last semester at Ryerson University, and I am honestly more scared than excited. As I am approaching this finish line, all my broken conceptions of the 'future' and 'self-worth' is starting to surface. It's messed up how my culture or upbringing connects worth with one's future career. Sigh... as I am applying for work, I'm pretty scared and uncertain of how my future will unfold. It's difficult sometimes to see how other people have 'things together' while I am just realizing 'how' to have things together.

Today, I am reminding myself that my worth is not generated by the world. Back to paying attention to my prof...

Choices choices choices

It's been a while since I posted. It's been a while since I meditated on anything. It's been a while since I ate a salad (or anything green and healthy). It's been a while since I cleaned my toilet and room. It's been a while since I worked out. It's just been a while...

The reason why its been a while since I did anything I want to do is a matter of the choices I make that expresses my inner heart. I randomly asked SIRI on my Iphone 'How many choices does a person make in a day?' And she (or it... lol) brings me to this web search. Someone on a forum wrote: "There are over 1000 minutes in the average working day. At five decisions a minute, a person makes easily 5000 decisions a day. Few are earth-shaking, but all are the results of choices."

How about the choice of choosing God or the Devil? See, the messed up thing isn't the choice. The messed up thing is that some of us think we actually have a choice. My none-Jesus-lover friends think that as long as they choose neither God or the Devil, they're good. See, they don't have to choose the devil... they belong to him already.

What I am meditating on today is 'not my will, but His will be done.'

Fast and Furious

Note: this post has NOTHING to do with the movie. lol

My family and Derek (who's pretty much a part of my family) went on a trip to Niagara Falls. My sister, Derek and I were looking for some desert on Clifton Hill. We walked by an individual asking for money (I don't want to label him 'homeless' cause that's just an automatic assumption) and noticed that the guy had no legs, and his only form of mobility was his wheel chair. At the desert place, Derek came up to me and asked if it was OK if he gave that guy our take-out food from TGI Friday. Mind you, we had ribs, fries and a salad in that take-out box! Furthermore, we were STILL HUNGRY! I encouraged Derek to follow his convictions and he then ran across the road and disappeared around the corner with the box of food in hand. He came back a minute later and expressed to me this strange joy that flooded through him. We were no longer hungry.

This incident reminded me of the biblical practice of 'fasting.' I remember believing that 'fasting' was simply the abstinence of food. It IS that, but MORE! Fasting isn't only abstaining from food, it's also about being fed continually by the bread of life - His Word! I can't explain this phenomenon, but the last time I fasted, I abstained from food for an entire week. However, I was utterly full and dependent on meditating on His Word and prayer. It's crazy, the more we eat in this world, the fuller we get. But the more we eat of His words, the more hungrier we get. And believe me, the Lord does not allow us to grow hungry if we are truly hungering for His Words.

Thinking back to Derek's incident, his simple hunger to accept the challenges of scripture only lead him to express a furious love that this world rarely encounters. My hope is that as my disciples bask into the Father's Words, they become beacons of His furious love for the community around us.

Slow traffic keep left

As I merged onto the passing lane on the highway, I found myself going at 90 km/h behind a car. There were no cars in front of this car and all the other cars in the middle and slow lane were going at the same speed! My patience was totally being tested, and these were my thoughts (lol):

In our 'spiritual highway', there SEEMS to be three lanes (when there's really only two). A slow lane for those Christians that just want to live the life. These are the ones that have no sense of urgency or excitement to reach the destination. These are the Christians that feel as though they have all the time in the world.

The middle lane are for those Christians we call 'lukewarm.' They want to ensure that they can choose either lane whenever they want - to pass or not to pass! These are the Christians that are indecisive or too scared to accelerate to their destination. They realize they should drive faster, but they don't want to go all in.

The fast lane are those Christians we label as 'radical'. These are the Christians that are full out; all for Jesus, Christians. They are the ones that seem to always be in the hurry and they're always up and about with our Father's business. These are the Christians that probably struggle with the concept of 'rest' or 'sabbath' because they're always in a hurry.

When I drove behind that car, I was pretty frustrated. I felt as if this slow driver represented those Christians that slow us down in our kingdom labor. How dare they stand between me and my Father's business! Bahaha...!!

LOL... When I got to my destination, I realized how I just compromised my impatience. It was interesting how easy it was to make my impatience seem 'OK.' Obviously it isn't OK. I just thought it was interesting how I referenced it to a Christian's journey with Christ. The Gospel tells us to love those of low positions, and to consider others better than ourselves. Gosh... Jesus even told us to SERVE THEM -_-" In Romans 12:16, it says "Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position (even slow drivers. Do not be conceited."

LOL ... Adrienne and I just found it funny how I tried making sense of my frustration with the slow driver on the passing lane in front of me!

Pause before the new year

For whatever reason, I've been feeling convicted about the relationship between a [spiritual] race and mentorship. What does 'rest' look like? How are my disciples running? When I ponder over 'how they are running', I am not wondering how many ministries are they serving in or how often do they go to church or how "spiritual" do they sound? I'm essentially praying over their spiritual stamina, fitness, and ability in the race marked out for them.

I was talking to my girlfriend about my thoughts and it's just beautiful how she allows our Father's heart to pour into mine. Through conversations and prayer, I felt convicted to hold off meeting with my mentees until 2012. I believe the remainder of this 2011 year should be spent in prayer. Some of these guys just need to 'rest' and to be 'prayerful'. If a mentor produces disciples that do not pray and does not rest, then there's a problem! LOL I'm essentially creating machines. And if disciples do not pray... are they really disciples?

Furthermore, why is it that my guys could abstain from a majority of all the ten commandments except one - "keep the sabbath day Holy." Now, I am not bashing on my guys. I too fall short in resting! To be renewed, one needs to rest; and renewal is a daily thing. You don't pray, read the bible, talk godly, or have fellowship once every two weeks at mentorship. It has to be a daily exercise (keeping in line with increasing our spiritual stamina and workout). Some people think that 'resting' means to sit as a spectator in a race; others think that rest means to slow down in the race. I read this passage in Hebrews 12:1 yesterday in small group. It says: "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us..." The goal is Christ. To run is Christ. To die is to gain. The moment we feel like sitting as a spectator is the moment the enemy has won. The moment we feel like slowing down is the moment we loss our sense of eagerness with the Lord. So no... resting is not slowing down or sitting aside in the race marked out for us. Resting allows us to focus clearer at the end goal as He graciously imparts His mysterious will, compassion, power and vision upon us. Resting allows us to taste a piece of His heart for us! Wow - isn't that amazing?! Now wouldn't that make us want to run supernaturally faster?! As we rest, we receive His great love for us as supposed to be working so hard that we forget to receive. Rest isn't a physical thing where we do nothing or stop running. Sabbath is a sabbath of the heart.

So the group is just going to do our own thing, and if that means hanging out with one another - kekeke - COOL! And if that means hanging out without talking about Jesus, so be it. But to be honest, my favorite conversational topic is about Jesus. But I am opened to essentially anything :p Perhaps the rest of this month could be used to build what we might have lost focus on - to build relationships with one another. Now, taking a break from mentorship does not mean we're doing nothing. I said go be prayerful. Honestly, if we can't even be prayerful when we DON'T meet, how are we trusting God in any of this? So for the next few weeks where me and the guys hang out, we probably won't be doing what we usually do. We'll probably just hang out and just pray.

Overall, prayer expresses the vitality of a disciple. My hope is that we may be more prayerful and less conversational with one another. Coming together to share our life issues and struggles is an awesome and well needed thing. In the end, we need to recognize that our life issues should not be submitted to one another, but to God.

Part 1 - the Nerd

http://vimeo.com/33261203

The crew was bored and so we decided to make a random video. On January 22, 2007, (in order of appearance) Derek, Anton, Heat, and Jeremy, decided to create a comedic video series of how an invincible bully 'became' a bully.

This is Part 1. The protagonist (the giddy nerd) came to school to find himself being bullied by three high school jocks. To their surprise, the nerd utilized their 'method' of bullying against them! In later series, we will show how this victory actually destroyed the innocence from this nerd as he himself became the invincible bully.

Generally, we experience the same thing in life - 'we do to others what others have done to us.' The video is not supposed to encourage school bullying, but to make us aware that our actions has great effects that may or may not affect us in the future.

Videography: Gabe
Songs: riding dirty and i'm yours

I Will Rise

I Will Rise - Chris Tomlin

There's a peace I've come to know

Though my heart and flesh may fail

There's an anchor for my soul

I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome

And the grave is overwhelmed

The victory is won

He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name

No more sorrow, no more pain

I will rise on eagles' wings

Before my God fall on my knees

And rise

I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near

When this darkness breaks to light

And the shadows disappear

And my faith shall be my eyes

Jesus has overcome

And the grave is overwhelmed

The victory is won

He is risen from the dead

And I hear the voice of many angels sing,

"Worthy is the Lamb"

And I hear the cry of every longing heart,

"Worthy is the Lamb"

Haven't been feeling like myself lately. Bombarded with school, thoughts, desires, and financial issues. The heaviness on my heart just keeps increasing and increasing. I feel as though the scabs on my [spiritual] body I thought were considered healed are currently being picked at by God. I just feel Him peeling up the scabs and gently dabbing the wound with disinfectant. I guess my old wounds haven't healed properly.

This is one of the songs that reassures me of my Fathers love for me. Indeed there is peace as I come to know who He is. Regardless of the storm around me, I will not be abound from side to side because He is my anchor. When He leads me through hardship, it is not so that I may experience harm, but to experience hope. When He disciplines me, it is never to make me feel foolish, but to free me from the consequences of my foolishness. He never acts out of frustration or irritation, but always in love and great affection for me.

This song reminds me of Hebrews 2:14-18 "Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might destroy him who holds the power of death—that is, the devil—and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death. For surely it is not angels he helps, but Abraham’s descendants. For this reason he had to be made like his brothers in every way, in order that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God, and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people. Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted."

My God is not a god that is distant, but is with me. He is not a God that tells me how to be freed from suffering, but suffered for me so that I may be freed from suffering. He died so that we may live. My God experienced what I experience. He is a relational God - not one that is distant. There are so many things that occurred in my life that I have no idea as to why they had to happen. But in the end, it is such a powerful hope that one day, my faith shall be my eyes. It will no longer be me, but Him. No longer my desires, but His. Not my will, but His will.

Oh Father, mold me and make me to become more and more like You. As You have risen, I too want to rise...

Spider Man vs Pride

A friend of mine (batman), since the first day we met, equated my life to Spiderman. God blessed me with a special ability such as breakdancing. Likewise, Peter Parker was blessed with an ability Uncle Ben labelled as 'power' - with great power comes great responsibility. Similar to Parker, I used my power/ability to serve selfish ambitions. We both needed to loss friends, family, and opportunities to show us our internal demons. Sadly, learning the same things over and over again is the life-story for almost all people. In the Old Testament, after experiencing extreme supernatural events such as passing through the Red Sea, the Israelites began to doubt God three days after the crossing! After experiencing a near death situation where my car spun off the road and into a bus shelter, I obtained no cuts or bruises. The aftermath of the accident was that the entire driver side of the car was completely wedged in, glass was cracked everywhere, the bus sheltered tipped over, and a recycling bin flew into a plaza parking lot. Mind you... I was driving with no seatbelt. But the one thing I do remember is feeling as if I were wearing a seatbelt. Almost like a hand pushing against my chest preventing me from smashing my head against the window. The Israelites forgot God in three days. I forgot Him on the same day *sigh*. The apostle Peter walked alongside with Jesus and heard His teachings on love. Years later, he needed to be rebuked by Paul for his selective love against the Gentiles. I grew up in a Christian family. But I lived my entire life as if I had no family.

From my previous post, I talked briefly of what breakdancing did to my life. In brief, the gifted ability to dance in such a way was clouded by my own 'Venom' called pride. It destroyed parts of my life such as relationships and family. However, in November 2009, after seeing the carnage I did with the lives I was surrounded with, I surrendered to no other than God. I remember telling myself I didn't want to live with the guilt I carried everyday. I was ashamed and disgusted of the sins I had committed before God and people. I guess I found something worse than dying - to die in guilt. Urbana 2009 was my first encounter with the Lord. I saw before me a sea filled with my sins and the blood of my Lord and Savior covered it all. In 2:01 of the Spiderman Trailer, it shows a quick clip of Parker's struggle in peeling off the Venom that kept him enveloped. All this was done as the church bell rang! Here's another clip: bell scene (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pjuEtEjeMSo). The scene reminds me of my struggling decision to be freed from the bondage of my past and flesh by allowing God to take president in my life.

See, it's easy to say "I believe in God." The difficultly I experienced is letting Him "lead" my life. What I did not realize before until now is that if I did not allow Him to lead my life, Venom was.

Floodgatez trailer (looking back...moving forward)

So why did I decide to title this: "Looking back...moving forward?" Breakdancing was a huge thing in my life. In brief, my highschool was a dark time. I was a passionate kid, but with no direction. I strived for excellence in whatever I got myself into - even 'bad' stuff. In grade 12, a saw a group of breakdancers dancing inside a circle (cypher) and a girl asked me, "can you do that?" I remember saying 'yes' just to show off! But I was completely dumbfounded at the energy people were expressing in their dance.

I started doing handstands, coffee grinders, and simple power moves (i.e. swipes, crickets) from the end of 2003 to 2006. During that time, my family couldn't afford the Internet, and we were still using floppy discs (CD burners JUST came out when I was in grade 12). I remember copying the moves from these animated GIF characters of Street Fighter's Ken and Ryu! In 2006, for the very first time in my life, I was introduced to the foundations of breakdancing. It's interesting - I began to express my energy in a less violent and self-damaging way.

Long story short, my dancing lead me to a place of growing pride, arrogance, and selfishness. It affected (a watered down word in my case) my academics, family, and relationships. In November 2009, I remember consciously telling myself that I will stop dancing. For whatever reason, I felt the conviction that God wanted to bless my dancing by surgically removing it. For a long time, I kept running away from opportunities where I could have danced (i.e. practices, shows, or even dance circles at weddings). I ran because I was afraid of pride. And as a continually ran from 'pride,' surprisingly, God revealed to me that pride was STILL my idol. You see, indulging in it AND running away from it symbolized that pride still had control of my life. In scriptures, Jesus never said "money" is evil. It's only when we are controlled by it; which includes loving it... AND fleeing from it.

The heart surgery is simple. God needed to be situated in His rightful first place in my life in order for me to be enabled and empowered to dance! Trust me when I say I still struggle with pride. I am still human, and my spirit is daily in battle against my flesh. There is one passage I am frequently reminded of from Galatians 1:10 - "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ"

From the words of one of my disciples: "Dance to express, not to impress!" From the words of one of the world's greatest inspirators in breakdancing (bboy Cloud): "Don't imitate, originate!" From the words of the greatest influence in my life, God: "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men..."

So for those struggling with idols in their lives - be it money, cars, dancing, clothes, pride, or comfort, recognize that gratifying, yielding to, or giving into these idols is not the only problem. Running away from them is also.

"Come-unity"

Community was something I have always yearned for. Growing up, I felt as though I were the only one excluded from community. To my surprise, there are so many people crying out for the same thing. Two forces I now recognize that held me back from community is alienation (loneliness) and fear of rejection. Imagine a teeter-totter. When our souls feel as if its on one side of the teeter-totter such as being alone, we seek for community. However, while being in community, we fear speaking out loud, loving others, and rebuking others because we fear 'rejection'. So we resort to keeping quiet and being alone. Surprise! Surprise! You've flipped the teeter-totter and are now alone and alienated... again.

I have a feeling that this isn't going to be my only post on 'community.' My view on community is definitely no longer the same as it was a year ago. Actually... that's a pretty exciting thing. As society changes, the needs inside communities also changes. But one thing that does not seem to change is that God uses small groups of people to bring people to Him.

There's so many questions, concerns, and skepticism hovering over the concept of a 'small group' community. Does what we want to do as a small group biblical? Or is it cultural? Honestly, if we choose to do things the cultural way, it might work for a while, but I truly believe that God will bless the small group if we choose to do it the biblical way.

Acts 2:42 - "They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved."

The call for communal action that stood out for me were: devote, teach, break bread, pray, be excited to meet, sell, give, persevere, praise, and multiply. As I read Acts 2, it's so easy for my heart to ache and judge the shortcomings of my small group. However, I believe the Lord does not intend for us to feel that way. I'm not talking about grieving or being in anguish. I'm talking about that feeling that hardens my heart which disallows my spirit's encounter with Kingdom freedom. Despite the hardship and the questionable issues, our Father is continually pouring out blessings upon blessings into small groups. Being so fixated on the little things disallows me to see the greater picture.

I am beginning to notice Christians buying houses/condos further and further away from their church. Not only are they physically moving further away, their hearts are also. It's obvious, the closer people live together, the opportunity for greater intimacy in communal gatherings is greater. I understand it's hard to buy a house that is developed in the city. But the bigger picture is that issues such as listening and accountability are decreasing in communities and physical distance play a role in the dissension.

As mentioned, listening is gradually degrading. When was the last time someone listened to you? I'm not even talking about someone 'physically in your presence' listening. I'm talking about listening to you without distractions with their cellphones (text messages, emails), and psychological questions such as 'I am hungry... when can I go eat?' I'm also talking about the listening where their eyes are listening to you too as supposed to darting all over the place. When was the last time your friend's eyes were fixated on you and the conversation?

Accountability has also lost its influence of healing. What does accountability even mean to people nowadays? I think I have heard people say "I will keep you accountable" more often than seeing it happen. It's kinda like seeing a friend that's fallen into a hole and telling them you'll be back - but you end up not coming back. HAHA... speaking of accountability, one of my disciples recognized the growing belly I am developing. So he mapped out a workout schedule and drafted a commitment contract for me. This is what he said, "Since you're caring for my spiritual health, I'll keep you accountable in your physical health - you scratch mine and I scratch yours. We hold each other accountable." And then he goes into telling me that he'll buy me glucosamine and condriotin pills because he knows I have bad knees. That's crazy awesome.

Hebrews 10:24-25 - "And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching"

Working together to meet the needs of people needs to occur first inside and then outside the community. Why does it have to start inside first? DuH...if your community isn't a community, what are you bringing people into? Imagine one heart with many hands. As we connect together more, we become stronger and we bear more fruit. If people leave small group, the small group's strength decreases. As we connect ourselves to the small group, we ourselves become stronger. Unless we assemble, the evil one will pick on us easily. Come... let us continue to pursue after Christ and the unity of believers.

Come-unity.

Serving the needy as serving Christ

As a body of Christ, how do we serve one another? So often, I see pastors overworking themselves for the sake of the congregation and nothing is reciprocated. There's 1 pastor caring for the needs of at least 300. Something seems utterly unfair with that 1:300 ratio. Not only do pastors care for the needs of the congregation of 300, they also need to find ways to 'fundraise' money to support the needs of their family. What would happen if the congregation began to support their pastors? Sorta like, we worry about getting your financial needs met while you worry about pastoring, caring, and bringing people to Christ. Overall, the ratio shouldn't be 1:300 - that's just spiritual suicide for our pastors. A congregational support ratio should be "1".

After service this morning, I texted my 'better half' this text message:

You know why i cried today? It's because i saw how much the Lord loves our city, the world, and the people we are surrounded with. I grieved over the lost, i identified with the hurting, i understood the suffocation experienced by the addicts, and i was just overwhelmed at the same time with joy and peace.

Just wanted to tell u that i see God calling us into something crazy. It'll be an "imprint" (sorta like what Jacob did in Twilight - Breaking Dawn) from God through us onto Toronto communities - LOL! How and where will we go/be? Not sure yet, but there is so many "little things" we can do. We are very very capable people. Together, i promise, we can expand His kingdom.

My visions? It's for our two churches to work together, for our industrial community and neighborhood community to see God's heart for them. It's to see the people we are investing into become future pastors, ministers, evangelists, and prophets. Im excited. Am i tired? Yes... But hopeful.

Here's her response:

You are amazing. Thanks for sharing more ....
Your heart is alive and in tune with the Fathers. So precious and inviting is the call to release kingdom alongside with you as we both tap into greater and fuller measures of holy spirit and his call to even scoop out cup by cup the ocean filled needs of His people.

...Much to pray into :)

I am so blessed to be partnered with someone as crazy as I am. Although we're completely opposite, with God as our third strand, we are experiencing a deeper intimacy of Christ in us that we never thought we'd encounter. I'm tired of coming to church and hearing about how Jesus died for me. I'm tired of coming to church hearing about others dying for their faith. I think it's time that I begin to walk out my faith fearless to death. I need to realize that as I live for my faith, I will die for it. Jesus already demonstrated the way - am I ready? I don't know... we'll see.

Preaching & Rebuking

One of my disciples asked me two loaded questions. These questions brought me back to my thoughts from my old journals when I was wrestling with the same issues. First off, it's inspiring to know that the upcoming generation of youths are already wrestling with these kinds of questions. Second, I am so hopeful that God will mobilize and inspire these young leaders to become the upcoming leaders for our current generation. This blog is simply a snippet of what was shared with my disciple.

How do we preach? And how do we call people out with boldness without fear of condemnation and rejection? First off, preaching is not something we are to do ‘all the time.’ If I had a friend that always ‘preached’ to me whenever we sat down and chatted, I’d be upset. I would probably feel like a ‘mission-field’ as supposed to a friend. So HOW do we preach? Personally… I think there’s many ways to preach. Throughout scriptures, Paul, the prophets, Jesus and the disciples all had a different ‘style’ in preaching (kinda like rappers and breakdancers who have different styles in their respective practices). However, when they preached, what did they speak about? Gospel and Jesus. Furthermore, whenever Jesus preached, he was sensitive to the needs of the crowd. Example, the woman at the well needed water. Jesus preached about Himself being the ‘living water.’ Therefore, when we preach or evangelize at school, work, or at home, we need to know the needs of our peers. Perhaps they are encountering academic depression, financial difficulties, or familial issues. We should speak to these individuals while being filled with the Spirit so that His fruits may be evident over these needs (i.e. peace, patience, kindness, etc etc etc). Perhaps the issue is being sensitive to Holy Spirit. Example, allowing Holy Spirit to convict us as to when we should preach or evangelize?

How do we call people out with boldness? I’m assuming my disciple is asking me, “How do I rebuke in boldness without fear?” Just so you know, I am also struggling with this. I had to dig into my journal and see my old thoughts and revelations on this issue. First off, my disciple is right! When we rebuke, there should be no feelings of fear in offending someone or fear of rejection. From Titus 2:15 – “These, then, are the things you should teach. Encourage and rebuke with all authority. Do not let anyone despise you.”

When you call someone out on their sins (i.e. rebuke), you got to ask yourself “why” is the rebuke necessary? Rebuking someone has to be done in an act of caring for them in the hope that they will repent and be strengthened to follow Jesus. Now that I think about it, rebuking is probably one of the most loving and needed things a person can do for another. I think the issue of why so many people fear rebuking is because of the thin line that defines “rebuking” and “judging.”

Note, rebuking is NOT judging. I think that’s a lie that we’ve grown accustomed to. We need to realize that we are called to rebuke when necessary and when we do, we must do so in love and concern for one another. When we see a family member heading to destruction, are we going to sit back and watch? No – that’s just stupid. The sin of omission is like that – sinning by not doing what we should do. Sometimes, however, it is difficult to discern whether we are rebuking in love or judging in pride. I guess the key distinction that separates judging from rebuking is whether or not you want the best for that person and are you doing it out of love. To be honest, I often want to rebuke someone out of anger or hurt – that’s judging. But despite this concern, one thing clear is that rebuking IN LOVE is necessary and commanded. It makes us stronger … or at least it should.

In practical terms, before you call out someone on their sins, first make sure that they actually ‘sinned’ as supposed to doing something you didn’t like. For example, which part of scripture did they break? Remember that passage where Jesus calls us out on worrying about the speck in our brother’s eyes when we have a plank in our own eye? Note, the passage doesn’t tell us NOT to take out the speck in our brother’s eye. It says deal with our OWN sins first. This passage brings something interesting into light. If we do decide not to confront someone on their sin, is it therefore because we do not want to deal with our own sin? I’ve heard people say, “I’ve been through what he or she is going through and I understand what they’re going through so I’m going to let them figure it out on their own" - sin of omission.

Second, as pastor Tim preached, always be ready to give chance after chance after chance. The moment we begin to administer who ‘deserves’ a second chance or who does not, we have elevated ourselves above others. As God’s Word states clearly, we are not to place ourselves above others, but by following Christ’ example, consider others more important than ourselves. Now, this doesn’t mean we are to walk around claiming that others are ‘cool’ and we ‘SUCK!’ We are all under one head – Christ. No one can boast according to his or her own competency. The outcome of rebuking someone is not only repentance, but also restoration into the body of believers.

Third, if the individual you rebuked does not show signs of remorse, do not allow that to affect you. It is vital to know that God is the one who leads people to repentance. We are simply instruments. We cannot rebuke only if we believe we’ll receive a response. We must obey what God convicts and leave the results to Him.

Overall, rebuking is a difficult thing. HAHA It’s easy to say we aren’t supposed to ‘feel’ condemned or rejected when we rebuke someone. But it’s obviously difficult. We need to know who we are and realize how much Daddy loves us. We need to be a people that is sensitive to Holy Spirit and He will give us the necessary words if we need to rebuke.

Harry Potter - Die to self, defeat sin

This is going to be an interesting post. My mind started going on a tangent as I was thinking back to the movie Harry Potter. So, to help illustrate my thoughts, i'll briefly summarize the parts of the movie that stood out, and then reference them to my thoughts :p

Voldemort had placed his soul a number of times inside Horcruxes. This way, Voldemort was able to live 'forever' unless all the Horcruxes were destroyed. Through the course of Harry's lessons, Dumbledore was trying to get the young wizard to piece together different pieces of Tom Riddle's (young Voldemort) memory so that they may identify these Horcruxes as well as where they were hidden. Honestly, all of this information could have just been told to Harry! But no, Dumbledore preferred that Harry realize things slowly. Why? Personally, I think that it has to be Harry's realization; his choice. As Dumbledore says, "it is our choices that show what we truly are." Likewise, there is a huge emphasis on free will in our walk with the Lord. As we are given new life and freedom in the Spirit, we are also given the choice to live by the Spirit. Like the parable of the "lost son" (the more i discuss this parable, the more I'm beginning to believe it was the older son that was "lost"), if we decide to leave God, God lets us leave! But He is always willing, waiting, and yearning for intimacy and celebration with us.

The choice is ours to make - to follow Christ, or to follow our flesh. Following Christ as a disciple is a hard and heavy investment. Jesus even warns us to count the costs before making the decision. Despite the intimidating and heavy investment in kingdom focused labor, the return value for us is going to be amazing!

Why didn't the killing curse work on Harry? Why were some of Voldemort's powers transferred to Harry as a baby? And why did Harry have the ability to see things from Voldemort's perspective? Because Harry Potter himself was a Horcruxe! That got my head flying all over the place. Reminds me of Ephesians 2:1-3 - "As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature (the flesh) and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath."

Sin existed since the time of our birth. Although he wants us separated from God, Satan himself cannot touch us or hurt us. He (satan) can only tempt us with opportunities to follow and gratify the desires of our sinful flesh (i.e. lust, stealing, and the rest of your huge list of human desires). See, Harry couldn't destroy Voldemorte cause he was still a Horcruxe. But when Harry died, Voldemorte lost his power on Harry. The strongholds (Horcruxes) that once surrounded Harry are now destroyed. Voldemorte can now be defeated. As Christians, sin too has lost its power; death has lost its sting. We are freed from the grip of these fleshly desires. From the grave and resurrection of Christ, we too stand victorious.

One of the coolest scenes in the last series of Harry Potter was a conversation after the young wizard died. "Tell me one last thing," said Harry (to Dumbledore). "Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?" "Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?" After dying to the things that once bound us in chains of fleshly desires, we are always struck with disbelief and repeatedly ask "is this real? Am I truly saved?" Our spiritual sensitivity increases as we continue to remain obedient to Holy Spirit's convictions. Even then, we still ask ourselves "Is this real? Is God REALLY speaking to me?" Through obedience and a continual reliance on His Spirit, we are able to walk into glorious freedom. We don't have to live our lives with Horcruxes (strongholds) surrounding us. See, we can't live a freedom life with the flesh still a part of us. We need to die to our old self, and be made new in Him. This is the power of Christ in me - that through His resurrection, I may now live and destroy the Voldemort in my life.

Past, Present, Shaped

At church on Sunday, I was asked to share my past/present view of 'serving' and how the ministries at my church (Scarborough Community Alliance Church) shaped my walk.

Whenever I think about "serving", I am reminded of a meet I had with my discipleship group. The concept we were discussing was "Servanthood" and how they'd feel if they were a servant. One of my disciples responded saying: "give me a gun and I'll kill myself!" He expressed that being a servant meant low pay, exploitation, and zero freedom. I then asked him, what if your master was perfect? His response changed...

My past view of serving was quite similar to my disciple's. I used to believe that 'serving' meant we are to serve people, church, and fellowships. Don't get me wrong, serving in these areas is a good thing! But if it's your only focus, you will experience burnout and guilt. Furthermore, I realized that over time I was simply serving myself. Example, I used to believe that serving was an obligation. If you don't serve, you will experience guilt. To disallow myself to feel that guilt, I served! HA - SELFISH. I was also good at encouraging people. As I kept giving and giving, I became more empty and dry. Burnout...

My present view of serving is to serve God. It's not until our Lord is in His rightful first place in my life am I able to move beyond the first commandment of loving Him and successfully live out the second greatest commandment of loving [serving] others. Weird... how did I even get to this point in my life? All I remember is that all my sins were laid before me (in 2009) and the feeling I felt was immense brokenness and disgust. However, 'grace' covered me and it was then that I experienced freedom.

Imagine this... I know that some people feel that they need to spend their entire life paying off their mortgage. That feeling must be devastating and hopeless. One of your friends give you $5, and another paid your entire mortgage off and gave you enough money to live sufficiently after. To the first friend, you'd probably take them out for dinner to express your appreciation to them. To the latter, you'll spend your entire life responding to your inner love and appreciation for them.

My hands were involved in situations that bruised and scared many people; my feet brought me and others into many dark places; and my mouth spoke so many discouraging comments to people where I probably I destroyed not only their self esteem, but also their identity. To know that someone paid for my penalties honestly causes me to respond. It'll be inhuman and STUPID to not respond. My body is no longer used to serve myself or others. It's God's. Serving is no longer an obligation - it's a privilege. I no longer serve for my salvation; I serve from salvation.

Five ministries at SCommAC have Shaped my faith walk:

1. More Than Conquerers: This is my small group fellowship. It is a place that allows me to bridge biblical concepts into my daily life. Not only so, it is a platform for me to ask questions such as what does Amen mean? What does Doxology mean? What does being a Man after God's heart mean?
2. Worship Team: Being a part of Dave's team, I realized that the worship team does not point the congregation to the proceeding message or speaker. The worship team's role is to point the congregation to God. As we sing, we sing of His character. Not about the message or speaker.
3. Junior High school Ministry: It was evidential what these youths needed. They needed to experience Jesus. But how could us counselors position them? For whatever reason, we told them to create community and for them to realize the importance of community (i.e. their fellowship). But how? We began to encourage them to just love one another and as they did, by God's grace, community began to form. From this ministry, what I learned was that you don't love community and expect community to form. You love people, and community will form.
4. Ministry of Presence: The pastors at SCommAC reminds me of Batman's Butler, Alfred. Anytime we're confused, broken, shattered, and discouraged, our Pastors are always there. Despite what we do, they are there for us. With all my past craziness, their simple presence spoke a huge message of love in my life.
5. Mentorship: my mentor has definitely introduced me into a new world of being more rational/logical as supposed to emotional. Without a proper balance, I will destroy myself. Furthermore, he has showed me that we fellowship and meet with one another not only when times are good and joyful. We are still there supporting one another even during those discouraging and lonely times.

Since it's thanksgiving soon, the one thing I am thankful for is the community at church. Despite my past, their acceptance of who I am has inspired me to continue to run this race despite how difficult it may be at times. I am a sinner. But when the people you are surrounded with focuses on your potentials and giftings as supposed to your shortcomings, the cultivation of one's gifts begin.