Investing where it's needed

I am slowly accepting the fact that I am an extrovert - that I draw energy from being around people. I am also beginning to see the results of exhausting myself by being around the wrong group of people. Not that these people are doing anything wrong or they themselves are 'wrong-people'. What I am recognizing is that my time, energy, and ability can be much more effective elsewhere. Imagine a football player investing their time and efforts into bowling. Bowling and bowlers aren't 'wrong', nor am I saying a football player cannot enjoy a night of bowling. I am simply saying how a football player expends his or her energy will affect themselves and their team.

It's easy to see other people making this mistake. It's more difficult to catch yourself doing it. I've been guilty plenty of times. 

Lately, this passage in John 15:1-4  has been on repeat in my mind. "I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me."

I wonder if anyone has ever kept a plant in their home that never grew. Or an apple tree that never bore apples. I doubt it. And even if they did, it probably attracted unwanted guests such as mould and/or rodents. How about keeping old clothes you no longer fit (lol maybe you're hoping to slim down a few pounds) or old assignments from primary school, highschool and College/University? Personally, I struggle 'letting go' of friends. 

Over a period of time, God may relocate you somewhere which may demand less time with people in the past and more time with those He has currently surrounded you with. 

One thing I have been noticing is my desire to always hang out with old friends ALL the time. Actually, it's not even just a desire... It's actually what I always do -_- Since the areas of ministry, living environments, and the community around me has changed, I am seeing a need to also release some of these old relationships. Again, not because they are bad. But so that I can invest my energy and be more fruitful in these new areas of my life.

Now... I'm not saying "let go of those relationships the moment you enter new areas of your life" nor am I saying "have absolutely nothing to do with them." I am trying to emphasize that evaluating where your resources - including your time and energy - is going may be necessary when experiencing new seasons of your life. Pruning certain relationships may be beneficial for the sake of yourself, for the counter party, and your respective communities. Ending relationships is hard. If you can't end them, then perhaps you need to establish boundaries. 

Refiners fire makes pure gold. To make pure gold sometimes means to burn away the silver. My time and energy is limited. How am I being a steward of the time I have with the community I am blessed with now?

Letting go

[Thoughts from May, 2014]

I really don't know how to start writing. My thoughts are accompanied with various emotions at the moment.

In preparation for our marriage, Michelle and I recognize the importance of certain relationships. It's so strange how distant some have become. We try so hard to love people... but from our wedding preparation, interesting colors surface in relationships.

This leads me to thoughts on strongholds. As we prepare for our marriage, numerous strongholds begin surfacing. I always knew I valued the opinions of people highly. I knew I cared about how others felt or thought of me... Seriously, that's RIDICULOUS.

Why do I care so much about looking Godly? Why do I care so much that others see that I have a relationship with Jesus? In Matthews, Jesus even said that they will get their reward on earth, but not in heaven (Matthew 6). It SUCKS seeing the hypocrisy of my heart.

Another stronghold is comfort. Gosh... we've heard this in so many sermons, so many blogs, so many Facebook posts, and the cliche quote "step out of your comfort zone." Now that I am faced with opportunities entering a new season in my life, I am challenged to let go what I am used to.

... let go.

Writing that feels liberating. It brings me back to the beginning of a disciple's walk with Jesus and the weight of His call to follow Him. It helps me empathize with the disciples when Jesus said "...come and see." It warns me that if I do not let go, I am incapable to receive all that He has for me.

Spiritual detachment

I love writing. But the last few months has been a moment of reflection and self-assessment. Why do I write?

I started to recognize something very unsettling. Writing was no longer personal. It became an activity I used to seek external comfort and praise. I began identifying myself based on the amounts of 'likes', 'comments' or views I received. Even now... writing this is (slightly) difficult.

It sucks looking back at my previous posts from two years ago. Don't get it twisted... God seriously revealed so much of Himself to me during that time. My concern, however, isn't how much God showed me, but what I did with it. My life was a pendulum where I swung from one pole to the other. From being a religion-hating youth that rebelled against God's desire to love me, I became a pride-filled-religious-zealot determined that I had my spiritual path "under control".

I AM a sinner, I have hurt many people, I have an imperfect history, and I probably will continue to fall short from perfection. Although I am physically removed from my shortcomings, I still feel the weight of frustration, anger, sadness, bitterness, and jealousy.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. - Ephesians 6:12

This past Sunday, I was strongly reminded that although I have physically divorced myself from the things in my past, there is a spiritual divorce that is still very much needed. And the only One to deliver me is Jesus Himself. Amen.

Traveling in faith

"And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love." - 1 Corinthians 13:13

People could have FAITH that could move mountains but if they do not love, it means nothing. ...SERIOUS? I want to move mountains! Paul challenged the community in Corinth something far more greater than faith and hope. Love (1 Corinthians 13).

It's been a while since I posted. So much has been going on in preparation for the wedding. Although it has been a busy season, both Michelle and I know that although our wedding day is "our" day... it's technically not. If we make this day "our" day... it opens us up to frustrations and disappointments when things do not go according to plan. It makes it harder to be graceful when people fail to meet our expectations. And it diminishes our joy.

Michelle and I were struck yesterday by two discouraging news BOTH related to travel visas. One of her bridesmaids had her visa issued wrong and her Life Group (LG) leader from Indonesia had his visa rejected twice. For sure... we were all filled with mixed emotions, but one of our LG sisters said something very profound: "We haven't received the visa yet. But we're gonna pack in faith." Faith requires so much risk due to the unknown. But doesn't 'love' require so much more?

Michelle and I didn't receive what we had expected/wanted. If the wedding was truly all about us, we would have subjected ourselves to frustration, disappointment, anger, sadness, and probably more. Love is the only remedy that sustains these relationships regardless of external circumstances. Faith alone may bring them to Canada and celebrate 'our' day with us. But it's the love we have for one another that keeps them in our hearts even if they aren't.

I'll be back

John 14:2-3 NIV

My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.

Yet again, this week has been a painful experience. Marriage prep is hard business! In addition to wondering who my friends are, I'm questioning how would people react on our wedding day, what our future plans will be like, and why certain insecurities still linger in me. It's so emotionally and spiritually exhausting and I know that it's during these moments that I desperately need Jesus (for all the critics, by no means do I imply that there's ever a moment whereby Jesus is not needed. I am simply saying that in times where things get tough, we need His love, grace, comfort, and guidance all the more).

Lately, I have been practicing how to focus deeper on the cross. You know that cliché "the cross is the answer!"? Well... It is! Ebu Julita's Facebook message brought upon such a powerful revelation on the bride to be, the groom that pursues, and the preparation process. During those difficult moments of marriage preparation, as I hone into the cross, I begin to feel Christ's pain AND excitement for His eventual union with His bride.

Just a little more... These scars, this crown of thorns, dehydration, asphyxiation... They will all be worth it soon...

As I write this I begin to tear. The pain I am enduring (which is NOTHING compared to what He went through) will all be worth it.

Not just that, but hearing Michelle's hurt, loneliness, uncertainties and frustrations, I hear the church's cry as she prepares for her marriage with Jesus. That's so crazy! So often, we focus on things that will not last, we say things that hold no water, and we do things that have no substance. Why? Perhaps we need to assess where our heart treasures are. To truly embrace the coming marriage, we really need to master the ability to die to ourselves daily.

The groom will come and y'all better be dressed and ready!

UDAC bible study - John 21

I hate leading bible studies. I absolutely dislike feeling utterly inadequate. I don't know how to decrease awkwardness or keep the group tuned in to the conversations. But of course that's why God selected me to initiate today's study -_- Funny enough, earlier today, I sent a leader a passage that ultimately became applicable to me within a few hours.

"And so it was with me, brothers and sisters. When I came to you, I did not come with eloquence or human wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness with great fear and trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power. " - 1 Corinthians 2:1-5

This evening's impromptu bible study was on John 21 and the bulk of our focus was on Jesus' three questions!

“Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?” 
“Simon son of John, do you truly love me?”  “Simon son of John, do you love me?”

What do these questions mean? Why this specific order? What is the significance of each question? Why three times? Simon?! Thought it was Peter?! ...Our heads were gonna explode.

It was such a powerful revelation that each question contrasted one another. But why in this order? The first two times Jesus used the Greek word agape love which meant unconditional love. The third time He uses phileo love which means "homeboy love". I could understand if Jesus was stretching Peter to move from phileo love to agape love. But why was the order of focus agape, agape, then phileo?

*wrestle mode*

Marital counseling session 1

Premarital counseling ... I always knew I wanted to go through it, but I never anticipated it to be so painfully revealing.

The weeks leading into our first session, I have been actively posting on Facebook the quotes and revelations that have been an encouragement to me. What I thought would encourage others, in one case, turned into an argument. And in another case, I began questioning my own beliefs. How could encouragements turn sour?! My intentions...

If my love and good deeds were done selfishly, any negative response would be received as an attack to the self. What started off as something pure with good intentions became something selfish, tainted and painful. The focus of my actions cannot be for me or for others, but out of reverence for Christ (Ephesians 5:21)

Lesson 1: I started the premarital session saying I did not want to give Sunday school answers where "Jesus, grace and God" were the answers to everything. That was my mistake! Although my intentions were to be honest and share the issues of my heart, my inner reality pushed what was vital to my growth aside - God, Jesus, and grace.

Lesson 2: "submission" is one of those terms the world has tainted. In this secular world, especially in developing countries, submission has been used abusively towards women. Who would want to submit to a household tyrant? But what if the master was "perfect?" Submission would not be oppressive, but liberating. Lesson 2 came as I realized my second hidden ambition: I wanted to be perfect for Michelle. I absolutely forgot my Christianity 101... I am a sinner; husbands are sinners. They are never perfect on this side of heaven. Marriage is about two SINNERS coming together. Soak that in... Husbands, you are a sinner. Wives, you are a sinner. Therefore, for a marriage to grow requires humility. How?!?! Look, observe and learn from the life of Jesus. He humbly gave up all authority and submitted Himself to the church even in unjust situations. Jesus Christ loved the church; perfect sinners, and humbly gave Himself up for her (Ephesians 5).

I have not loved or lead like Christ would. As a result, submission brought upon fear, insecurity and suffocation. I always knew premarital counseling was something I wanted to go through. But I never anticipated it to be so painfully revealing. In the long haul, I have faith that this will birth the wonders marriage brings to both husband and wife. Just like the gospel which is painful and wonderful at once.

Pre Marriage

"Love shouldn't be this hard" is like a person trying to play baseball saying "hiting a fastball shouldn't be so hard."

For all the skeptics (like myself), you can respond to this statement by saying "love is not baseball. It should come naturally if two people are compatible'".

The Christian response is, no two people are compatible.

Marriage preparation has been a painful and yet wonderful journey. It is so because it is a reflection of the gospel, which is painful and wonderful all at once (Timothy Keller). Each day I am reminded how much of a great sinner I am and yet at the very same time I am more accepted and loved in Jesus Christ than I ever hoped.

When I proposed to Michelle, I enacted Jesus' love demonstration when He washed His disciple's feet. Jesus was committed. He was intentional. I am to be like Christ. This is my call.

I will love you
I will serve you
I will die for you
I will stay committed to you
I will not forsake you
I will lead you
I will be patient with you
I will listen you
I will present you holy, blameless and pure to our God

I love my partner... And my affection for her requires committed and intentional action.

Progress report on love

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

As I reflected on how I have been doing on my "love-progression", I reread this familiar passage this afternoon. I was surprised that I completely failed... Unsatisfactory in 12 of the 14 characteristics of love. Sigh... I need Jesus, but there are days where it's so comfortable to hold onto your "self" and not let Him take a hold of you completely.

Expectations

When your expectations of your partner (or yourself) are far beyond reality or being attainable, you remain in its shadow. You become miserable and dissatisfied. As a result, it leaves both you and your partner confused and frustrated.

Setting high goals is not a horrible idea, but we need to leave room for mistakes and forgive quickly. Neither myself or my fiance will be perfect on this side of heaven. This is why the gospel is so intriguing. Regardless of man's shortcomings, God demonstrates His love by pursuing us through His son Jesus. This is the act of love I am to demonstrate - that I would lay down my life for my bride. *face palm* Learning to lay down my selfish expectations and desires is ridiculously tough (obviously) especially when you don't realize how carnal they are.