I'll be back

John 14:2-3 NIV

My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.

Yet again, this week has been a painful experience. Marriage prep is hard business! In addition to wondering who my friends are, I'm questioning how would people react on our wedding day, what our future plans will be like, and why certain insecurities still linger in me. It's so emotionally and spiritually exhausting and I know that it's during these moments that I desperately need Jesus (for all the critics, by no means do I imply that there's ever a moment whereby Jesus is not needed. I am simply saying that in times where things get tough, we need His love, grace, comfort, and guidance all the more).

Lately, I have been practicing how to focus deeper on the cross. You know that cliché "the cross is the answer!"? Well... It is! Ebu Julita's Facebook message brought upon such a powerful revelation on the bride to be, the groom that pursues, and the preparation process. During those difficult moments of marriage preparation, as I hone into the cross, I begin to feel Christ's pain AND excitement for His eventual union with His bride.

Just a little more... These scars, this crown of thorns, dehydration, asphyxiation... They will all be worth it soon...

As I write this I begin to tear. The pain I am enduring (which is NOTHING compared to what He went through) will all be worth it.

Not just that, but hearing Michelle's hurt, loneliness, uncertainties and frustrations, I hear the church's cry as she prepares for her marriage with Jesus. That's so crazy! So often, we focus on things that will not last, we say things that hold no water, and we do things that have no substance. Why? Perhaps we need to assess where our heart treasures are. To truly embrace the coming marriage, we really need to master the ability to die to ourselves daily.

The groom will come and y'all better be dressed and ready!

UDAC bible study - John 21

I hate leading bible studies. I absolutely dislike feeling utterly inadequate. I don't know how to decrease awkwardness or keep the group tuned in to the conversations. But of course that's why God selected me to initiate today's study -_- Funny enough, earlier today, I sent a leader a passage that ultimately became applicable to me within a few hours.

"And so it was with me, brothers and sisters. When I came to you, I did not come with eloquence or human wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness with great fear and trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power. " - 1 Corinthians 2:1-5

This evening's impromptu bible study was on John 21 and the bulk of our focus was on Jesus' three questions!

“Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?” 
“Simon son of John, do you truly love me?”  “Simon son of John, do you love me?”

What do these questions mean? Why this specific order? What is the significance of each question? Why three times? Simon?! Thought it was Peter?! ...Our heads were gonna explode.

It was such a powerful revelation that each question contrasted one another. But why in this order? The first two times Jesus used the Greek word agape love which meant unconditional love. The third time He uses phileo love which means "homeboy love". I could understand if Jesus was stretching Peter to move from phileo love to agape love. But why was the order of focus agape, agape, then phileo?

*wrestle mode*

Marital counseling session 1

Premarital counseling ... I always knew I wanted to go through it, but I never anticipated it to be so painfully revealing.

The weeks leading into our first session, I have been actively posting on Facebook the quotes and revelations that have been an encouragement to me. What I thought would encourage others, in one case, turned into an argument. And in another case, I began questioning my own beliefs. How could encouragements turn sour?! My intentions...

If my love and good deeds were done selfishly, any negative response would be received as an attack to the self. What started off as something pure with good intentions became something selfish, tainted and painful. The focus of my actions cannot be for me or for others, but out of reverence for Christ (Ephesians 5:21)

Lesson 1: I started the premarital session saying I did not want to give Sunday school answers where "Jesus, grace and God" were the answers to everything. That was my mistake! Although my intentions were to be honest and share the issues of my heart, my inner reality pushed what was vital to my growth aside - God, Jesus, and grace.

Lesson 2: "submission" is one of those terms the world has tainted. In this secular world, especially in developing countries, submission has been used abusively towards women. Who would want to submit to a household tyrant? But what if the master was "perfect?" Submission would not be oppressive, but liberating. Lesson 2 came as I realized my second hidden ambition: I wanted to be perfect for Michelle. I absolutely forgot my Christianity 101... I am a sinner; husbands are sinners. They are never perfect on this side of heaven. Marriage is about two SINNERS coming together. Soak that in... Husbands, you are a sinner. Wives, you are a sinner. Therefore, for a marriage to grow requires humility. How?!?! Look, observe and learn from the life of Jesus. He humbly gave up all authority and submitted Himself to the church even in unjust situations. Jesus Christ loved the church; perfect sinners, and humbly gave Himself up for her (Ephesians 5).

I have not loved or lead like Christ would. As a result, submission brought upon fear, insecurity and suffocation. I always knew premarital counseling was something I wanted to go through. But I never anticipated it to be so painfully revealing. In the long haul, I have faith that this will birth the wonders marriage brings to both husband and wife. Just like the gospel which is painful and wonderful at once.

Pre Marriage

"Love shouldn't be this hard" is like a person trying to play baseball saying "hiting a fastball shouldn't be so hard."

For all the skeptics (like myself), you can respond to this statement by saying "love is not baseball. It should come naturally if two people are compatible'".

The Christian response is, no two people are compatible.

Marriage preparation has been a painful and yet wonderful journey. It is so because it is a reflection of the gospel, which is painful and wonderful all at once (Timothy Keller). Each day I am reminded how much of a great sinner I am and yet at the very same time I am more accepted and loved in Jesus Christ than I ever hoped.

When I proposed to Michelle, I enacted Jesus' love demonstration when He washed His disciple's feet. Jesus was committed. He was intentional. I am to be like Christ. This is my call.

I will love you
I will serve you
I will die for you
I will stay committed to you
I will not forsake you
I will lead you
I will be patient with you
I will listen you
I will present you holy, blameless and pure to our God

I love my partner... And my affection for her requires committed and intentional action.

Progress report on love

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

As I reflected on how I have been doing on my "love-progression", I reread this familiar passage this afternoon. I was surprised that I completely failed... Unsatisfactory in 12 of the 14 characteristics of love. Sigh... I need Jesus, but there are days where it's so comfortable to hold onto your "self" and not let Him take a hold of you completely.