It is so easy to say things should not be as rough as they are. It is so easy to say wrestling leads to no where because in the end God reigns. It is so easy to say follow your heart/gut-feeling and yet it is so easy to say your heart is the most evil arena in one's life. Am I pouring out excuses upon excuses. Sometimes, I feel like people assume I am shoveling crap on top of crap so that the original crap won't smell as bad. There's just too many voices around me at the moment that is confusing my decisions and choices. It wasn't an easy decision, but I know it was the right one. I obviously did not administer the decision as well as I could have. I obviously hurt a lot of people. But just cause I made the decision does not equate to me not being hurt. In the end, I recognize that there are too many issues within myself and I simply need to be alone. Some say I am not a man. I'm probably not - which makes it more of an issue for me to drag on a relationship.
After praying and seeking forgiveness from the Lord, I am compelled to apologize. I am utterly sorry and I write this in tears. In many ways, I have hurt many people and made this my own responsibility to carry out which I should not have done. In many ways, this issue could have been carried out much better, but it is vital for me to continually give thanks to God even in these circumstances. I am sorry, everyone, for the hurt I have surfaced during this process of directing my decisions.
Currently, I am just soaking in the Father's love. I need it desperately. It is so easy to walk away and be bitter at the Word during this season. The area that hurts the most is that the ministry I felt the Father's love most is the one area being tested in my life at the moment. Community.
in the end, it's not about what the voices around you are telling you but what God's voice is telling you. question is, are you listening to it carefully? bro, you're my bro no matter what.
ReplyDeleteand though we're soaked in brokenness right now, like you said, it is God's love we need to be soaked in!
I think "wrestling leads no where" was me :P
ReplyDeleteAlone. The truth that nobody tells us is that the freedom to be alone is lost when we decide we will be united.
Sorry. The reality is that being sorry is nothing when we remain the same. Repentance is the expectation. Turning from weakness, not being sorry and embracing.
Love. Why do we turn to our loving Father when we do something wrong? Why don't we turn to our King of Kings and Lord of Lord who's mighty hand and outstretched arms overcome all our weakness? Sometimes the reality is, we don't want to fight. What about God's wrath? Why do we approach God indifferent to his opinion of what we do and expect that he happily takes us into his arms? Just because he loves us doesn't mean what we did pleases him.
I don't know what other people think but the right thing to do was not done, that is being Christlike and overcoming all obstacles. It doesn't matter what you do outside of that. It's willfully choosing not to be what is expected. The best thing is when Gabe is like Christ. second best, breaking up, running away, is sin. It doesn't matter how hard it is. we're only defeated because we give up, on ourselves and on God.