Day 1 - Evening

It's so difficult to breathe. I feel so anxious with her absence. If this is how she feels every time I leave, I promise I will never put her through that again. Upon our next meeting, I truly hope it will be the last time we need to say goodbye to one another.

Day 1 - Indonesia

There's so many layers of myself that I still cannot comprehend. The littlest incident could cause an earthquake of insecurities within me. Perhaps I'll never understand myself in this area, but I do want to recognize what triggers my insecurities.

Over the last few weeks leading up to Michelle's departure to Indonesia, I have been in a constant battle within my head. "What if? Just in case..." were only some of the questions I kept asking. I sat on my own pile of crap and dug myself a hole so no one could find me (emotionally) for days. The intentions of my withdrawal was to 1) avoid being hurt if my thoughts become a reality, and 2) avoid hurting anyone with my self-deprecation. Unfortunately, my thoughts became my partner's burden.

Once again, I am seeing how short my faith in the Lord is. I struggle in releasing my partner to the Lord and trusting that He will be our good and faithful shepherd that will never leave us nor forsake us. That He will guide us through the valleys of the shadow of death and lead us by quiet waters. That He will cause us to lie down on green pastures and His rod and staff will comfort us. That His peace will be upon as, as the Giver of peace will walk with us. That His grace is our sufficiency. That He will clothe us the way He dresses the lilies of the field. That His favour rests upon those who loves Him. That we are His beloved.

Though these promises are amazing, they're difficult to soak in. But I truly believe that the next 8 months will be refining grounds towards our love, integrity, purity, and trust. I honestly thought that I would cry my eyes out today. But as Michelle and I prayed at the gate, a flood of peace flowed through my veins. I know that He is with us, and whatever happens, He will provide us with enough strength to endure it. He doesn't promise a journey free from pain, He promises His presence throughout the experience.

Free

As I spent my alone time in prayer, I was listening and asking God what He was saying to me. I focused on the profound response Jesus said to Satan when He was in the dessert, "Man shall not live by bread alone, but from every word that comes from the mouth of God..." I was hungry, spiritually, and I wanted to feast on the words pouring out of God's mouth.

I then remembered these words from John 15: "If you abide in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples."

That's when I heard Him - "Free."

Over and over again, I heard "free." It seems like it's been so long since I last heard the Father's voice. Michelle prayed over me one time and said: "... may You make Your presence known to Gabe." I am in eager anticipation for a new encounter, to be made new, to heal, and to experience freedom.

Moving Forward

"Let us lay aside every weight and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us" - Hebrews 12:1

A friend once shared this verse with me through a painting she drew me. The texture, color, and heart expressed onto the canvas was amazing. As you can tell from the above picture, she's an amazing painter! Just now, I was reflecting upon my day and I realized how liberated I am from some of the weight of my past. The last few months has been difficult. I'm the type of dude that punishes themselves when they make a mistake. I spend hours/days/months trying to 'understand' or 'diagnose' why I did what I did. If my friends are angry at me, I'd probably self destruct...LOL

2012 has been a good, but rough year. Moving on from friends, assumptions, and mistakes is a difficult thing. It's so easy to be caught up with this baggage. But one thing the Lord has been showing me is an image of a river. Rivers flow all directions, up and down, left and right then more ups and downs and so on. Life unfolds much like the streams of a river. Our choices determine the flow of our rivers. We move on as well as we get moved on. What is truly and deeply edifying is that in Christ, all our rivers end at one same eventual destination that is the ocean of God's grace, love, and justice. 

My river is moving on and is being moved on. No matter how separated I may feel from 'friends', I look forward to one day intersecting again as the Spirit anoints. If not, we will all meet and celebrate in God.